One Liners
Friday, June 16th, 2006One Liners
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up…Press Down…!
☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly…well enough about ME! How are you?
☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
… No Strings attached
…but for a limited period ONLY!
…A bloody good deal!
☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!
☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my
Siemen all over her Nokias!
☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!
☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin…so where you gonna hide ME?
☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you’re too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start
jumping on it. Thank you
☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
☻Why’d they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H
☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated…calibration complete, now searching…..still searching….still searching……sorry, no
friends found.
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r.
☻Press down..More…Ok more…WOW yes ahh ohh yes….almost there….oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD…oh goddd!…That’s how I sex on
text!
☻I went to ur house justnow - can’t enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!
☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Always remember you’re unique - just like everyone else.
☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.
☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
☻Don’t feel sad…don’t feel blue…Frankenstein was ugly too…
☻U got Sex Appeal…U got Class…U got Moves…U got da Face, da Body….shit…I got wrong number…SORRY
☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!
☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.
☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
☻Nope…..u still ugly!
☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.
☻What u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
☻Bride’s Dad hands a note to the groom: ‘GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.’ Groom gave another note back to father:
‘CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.’
☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.
☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.
☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.
☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
☻It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻You are here: X
☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.
☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that’s the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel
your Nob to the car cuz it’s too heavy.
☻Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻Jesus loves you…everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!
☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don’t start anything.
☻Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?
☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin ‘Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex,
Please try again later.’
☻Bloke calls work : “Boss, cannae come in tae work. I’m sick”
Boss asks: “How sick are u?”
Bloke: “I’m F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???”
☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!
☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that’s between!
☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!
☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!
☻When an apple is green, it’s ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to ..WOOPS…wrong number….
☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!
☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
☻I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs and check.
☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
☻Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.
☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.
☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
☻Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???
☻Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
☻If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
☻If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
☻Mind intentionally left blank…
☻I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
☻Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.
☻If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
☻Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I’ve forgotten this before.
☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
☻The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
☻Born Free……..Taxed to Death.
☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait…searching…searching…still searching…sorry NO BRAIN found
☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.
☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.
☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now…wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain…leaving now…
☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’
☻Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
☻Celibacy is not hereditary
☻Familiarity breeds children
☻Life is sexually transmitted
☻We do precision guesswork
☻Born free . . . Taxed to death
☻If it’s too loud, you’re too old
☻Common sense isn’t common
☻Nothing succeeds like excess
☻Do pilots take crash-courses?
☻If it ain’t broke, fix it until it is
☻The older I get, the older old is
☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
☻A closed mouth gathers no feet
☻Do witches run spell checkers?
☻I don’t get even . . . . . I get odder
☻Allow me to introduce my selves
☻A feature is a bug with seniority
☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?
☻Justice: A decision in your favor
☻Strip mining prevents forest fires
☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind
☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed
☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
☻Today’s subliminal message is . . .
☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
☻Fuck Me…are those real?
☻Be unique and different, just say yes.
☻Can I flirt with you?
☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
☻Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.
☻Umh, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
☻Darling, I’m new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.
☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!
☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbour … what say we tie up for the night?
☻I’ve just moved you to the top of my ‘to do’ list.
☻If you don’t wanna have kids with me, then why don’t we just practice?
☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?
☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
☻Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.
☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes
☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion
☻If it ain’t chocolate, it ain’t dessert
☻I don’t work here. I’m a consultant
☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
☻The best things in life aren’t things
☻I like feminists; I think they’re cute
☻I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable
☻Does killing time damage eternity?
☻How can there be self-help groups?
☻”Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy
☻BIGAMIST — A heavy fog in Italy
☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
☻Guilt — the gift that keeps on giving
☻Exceptions always outnumber rules
☻Adults are just kids who owe money
☻All stressed out and no one to choke
☻Constipated people don’t give a crap
☻I may not be perfect, but I’m all I got
☻Where there’s a will, I want to be in it
☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
☻Never miss a good chance to shut up
☻All computers wait at the same speed
☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation
☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw
☻I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
☻I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier
☻When money talks, the criminal walks
☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?
☻How come night falls but day breaks?
☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?
☻If we quit voting will they all go away?
☻Is it time for your medication or mine?
☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
☻I’m not getting older…I’m getting bitter
☻When all else fails manipulate the data
☻I’m as confused as a termite in a yo-yo
