Do you believe in love at first sight…or do I have to walk by again?

There’s a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!

I’m not Fred Flintstone but i can make your bedrock!

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?…

….That’s where I lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

Hey let’s go fuck and do the talking later.

Girl, how long have you been in the oven, cause I know I felt something rising.

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

Here’s 10p ring home and tell your mum that you wont be coming home tonight!

I’m new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?

Your daddy must have been a hunter because you’re a fox!

Hey, is your dad a terrorist? Cos baby, you’re the bomb!

Do you want to go and do what I’m going to tell my mates we did anyway?

I looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed

I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Is it hot in here or is it you?

Fuck me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.

How about you sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

I hope you know CPR, ’cause you take my breath away.

My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Get your coat love, you’ve pulled.

I didn’t believe in angels until I meet you!

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming

Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

Hi, my name’s Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?

Have you ever been to the moon ? no ! sit on my rocket and I will take you there

If its cash your after drop your drawers and the moneys yours

Was you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard.

Can you fix watches? Then put 2 hands on that!

I’m like Domino’s Pizza, if you don’t come in 30 minutes the next one is free…

You’re like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can’t stop you!

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

Do you like jewelry? Suck this, it’s a gem!

You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

do u believe in love at first site or do i have to walk by again

if i said u had a hot body would u hold it against me

My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any underwear! Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.

”r ur legs tired”? coz uve been runnin through my mined all day

There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?

if i cood re arrange da alphabet i wood put u and i together

ive lost my teddy bear…….do u want to sleep with me tonight?

is youre father a robber ? well who stole the stars and put them in ure eyes ?

U gotta B a parking ticket or something coz u got the word FINE written All over ya!

im no fred flintstone but i’ll make ur bedrock

☻BLINKING STARS
FreNz r 4-evER liKE E starS taT kePt blinkin In E sky. THoUgh we MighT b Far Apart.. BUt I noE taT u r Still Near 2 Me WhnEveR I look up… Gd nite N sleep TiTE

☻ TIME TO SLEEP
LyinG oN mY BeD, LoOkiN @ ThE CloCk, I nOe tAt iTs timE 2 zzz. I WonDeR HoW hAv U bEEn todaY… HopE Tat EveryTHinG is FInE.. WiSh u sweeT dReaMz n Sleep TiGhT!

☻ MORNING GREETING
Morning greetings doesn’t only mean saying Gd Morning, it has asilent message saying: I remember you when I wake up! Have a nice day!

☻ MORNING GIFT
Receive my simple gift of ‘GOOD MORNING’ wrapped with sincerity, tied with care and sealed with a prayer to keep u safe and happy all day long! Take Care!

☻ GOOD MORNING
A night hug warms the heart, a night kiss brightens the day, and a good morning to start your day!

☻ NITE HAS END…Nite has end for another day, morning has come in a special way. May you smile like the sunny rays and leaves your worries at the blue blue bay.
 

☻ THINGS TO NOTE B4 SLEEPING
ThinGs 2 TaKe NoTe WheN u SleeP: 1st-MiSS Me, 2nd-ThInk oF Me, 3rd-HuG Me, 4th-LoVE mE. TrY 2 SlEEp NoW & ClOSe Ur EyeS. Get PrePaReD 2 DrEaM oF mE! Gd NiTe!
 

☻ HELLO
The Word ‘Hello’ means H=How R U? E=Everything all right? L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon. O=Obviously, I miss you!

☻: I PRAY 4 YOU
In tis lovely nite, I pray 2 the blue moon 2 protect U thru the nite, the wind 2 blow away ur stress N the twinkle stars 2 guide U the way, sweet dreams Gd Nite

☻ GOOD MORNING
The sun rises into the sky with the warmest smile, he wishes you a good morning, hoping that you have the perfect day. Take care & miss you.

☻ NO MATTER
No matter the sky is black or blue, no matter there’s stars or moon, as long as ur heart is true, sweet dreams will always be wif u. Gd Nite!
 

☻ TIME 4 BED
da starz r out, da moon is up, 1 more HUG, 1 more smile, KISS u once, KISS u twice, now itz time 4 bed. Close ur @@, n sleep tite!

☻ I CARE MOST
I was looking out the windows thinking about the person I care most & the person that came into my mind is U so juz wanna wish u good nite…….

☻ STARS LIGHT
Stars light Stars bright u’re the only Star I see tonite. I wish I may. I wish I might be there guarding ur dreams tonite, gd nite sweet dreams

☻ NICE FRIENDS
A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams…

☻ WASH UP
Wash your face and wash your feet! Now itz time 2 fall asleep. Yours eyes are weak N mouth can’t speak so hope tis nite shall b nice and sweet. Good Nite.

☻ COLD COLD NITE
On this cold cold nite,in My small small rOOm,i Look At The Brite Brite StArS iN tHe DaRk DaRk sKy & DrEaM of uR sWeet sWeet SmiLe on ur CuTe CuTe FaCe! GdNiTe!

☻ WINDOWS OF SOUL
Tireness draws across the mind making the body fade flexibility n soon windows of soul begin 2 close N enter the dreamland! OYASUMINASAI! Sweet Dreams!

☻SOUL BACK FROM DREAMLAND
Your soul came back from dreamland reunited with a sleeping senseless piece of yourself slowly open ur eyes realise its a brand new day. Good Morning.

☻ DRACULA KISS
As u go 2 bed 2nite, I ordered bats 2 guard u tight. I told some ghosts to dance in white, & 2 make sure u r alryt, i’LL ask dracula 2 kiss ur neck goodnight..

☻ LAZY BONE WAKE UP!
The sun has once brought brightness to earth! lazy bone. it’s time 2 wake up gd morning…

☻ AS NITE FALLS
As nite falls upon the land, it is time 2 Zz again. With the moon hangin in the starlit sky, i’m here 2 wish U NiteNite! Sweet dreams, cover blanket tight tight

☻ THE SUN HAD RISED
The sun had rised from the east & birds r singing happily & butterflies R around the flowers. It is time to wake up & give a big yawning & say gd morning to u..

☻ SOMEWHERE OUT THERE
somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light someone thinkin of u somewhere out there where dreams come true… nitenite & sweet dreams 2 u

☻ MASTER OF PUPPETS

Master of puppets is pulling ur strings, twisting ur mind n smashing ur dreams. blinded by me, u can’t c a thing when i count to 3 u shall fall asleep 1,2,3,Zzz

☻Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHERE HER HUSBAND IS EVERY NIGHT?

A. WIDOW

☻Q. WHY AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMEELA ANDERSON?

A. COZ PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.
☻Q. WHAT DOES 98 STAND FOR IN WINDOWS 98?

A. IT STANDS FOR NUMBER OF TIMES IT HANGS IN A DAY.

☻Q. WHY DID BANTA SINGH TAKE HIS PREGNANT WIFE TO PIZZA CORNER?

A. FOR FREE DELIVERY.

☻Q. WHY DID SANTA SING TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES WHILE WRITING EXAMS?

A. COZ IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE PAPER”ANSWER IN BRIEF.

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS?

A. A COUPLE ADOPTING A CHILD.

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF POSSESSIVENESS?

a. constiPATION.

☻Q. HOW WOULD YOU IDENTIFY BANTA SINGH IN A SUBMARINE?

A. HE WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WITH A PARACHUTE TIED TO HIS BACK.

☻q. what would you call a sardar with just one hair on his head?

a. iqbal singh.

☻Q. HOW TO MAKE TTK LAUGH ON SUNDAY?

A. BY TELLING HER A JOKE ON THURSDAY.

ONCE A NUN GOES FOR A URINE EXAMINATION AND THE SAMPLES GET MIXED UP. the report indicates she is pregnant. WHEN SHE GETS THE REPORT, SHE EXCLAIMS, “OH JESUS!! NOW WE CAN NOT EVEN RELY ON CANDLES”

☻Q. WHAT DID BANTA SINGH SAY WHEN HE SAW A BANANA PEEL?

A. “OH! I AM GOING TO SLIP AGAIN.

☻Wot’s the best thing about babies ?
MAKING THEM !

☻If i guard you with my life,
Will u be my wife ?

☻Girls are like roads,
More the curves,
More the dangerous they are.

☻Love is Photogenic,
it needs darkness to develop.

☻Messages are given to
Those who are apart
But what shall i give
When you are in my heart.

☻Q. WHICH IS THE SHORTEST JOKE?

A. SANTA SINGH AND BANTA SINGH PLAYING CHESS.

☻Q. WHICH BROTHER OF KALIDAS MAKES SHOES?

A. ADIDAS

☻if ur askin if id hurt u da ansa is nevaif ur askin if i luv u da ansa is 4eva.if ur askin if i want u da ansa is i do.if ur askin wot i value most da ansa is u

☻If luvs a disease den im very ill.but i dont want medicine i wont take no pill.i will suffer dis illness cos it makes me see exactly how much u mean 2 me!

☻If i were a tear in ur eye i wood roll down onto ur lips.But if u were a tear in my eye i wood never cry as i wood be afraid 2 lose u!

☻If Love & Friendship could be brought or sold as if they were Stocks & Shares.those wise enough to invest in you SEXY would all be millionaires!!!
☻If water was a kiss id send u the sea.if a hug was 1 leaf id send u a tree if luv were forever id send u eternity!
☻If i rote ur name in d sky wind wood blow it away.if i rote ur name in d sea waves wood wash it away.But ur name is engravd in my heart where nothin can touch it!

☻if u love me like u told me please be careful wiv my heart- u can take it jus dont break it or my world will fall appart

☻If a kiss was a raindrop i’d send u showers.if a hug was a second i’d send u hours.if a smile was water i’d send u a sea.if love was a person i’d send u me!

☻i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

☻I’m @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

☻im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me “possession of good looks”.i’m doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out-so hurry up!
 

☻Q : Why does Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
A : Cause Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend

☻Q : How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A : He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride

☻Q : What did Clinton say to Gore about the whole affair?
A : Pardon me

☻News item: Mike McCurry, the President s Press Secretary, has just resigned. He could no longer keep a straight face
☻Q : What was yesterday’s Washington Post Headline?
A : Bush Beats Clinton

☻Q : Why was Monica Lewinsky transferred from the White House to the Pentagon?
A : She was traded for two brunettes and a redhead to be named later.

☻”One thing’s for sure about Clinton…
He sure doesn’t neglect domestic affairs!”

☻Q : What do stylish frogs wear?
A : Jumpsuits!

☻Q : What did the frog order at McDonald’s?
A : French flies and a diet Croak

☻Q : How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A : Unhoppy

☻Q : What goes, 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump &
A : A centipede with a wooden leg

☻Doctor, I can t stop behaving like a dog.
How long have you been acting this way?
Since I was a puppy!

☻Two snakes meet each other..
First snake:I hope I am not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake:Because I bit my lip!

☻Q : What do you get from a pampered cow?
A : Spoiled milk.

☻What kind of work does a weak cat do?
A : Light mouse work

☻Q : How do you identify a bald eagle?
A : All his feathers are combed over to one side

☻How do you circumcise a whale?
A : You need at least four skin divers
☻When geese fly in a “V”, why is one side longer?
Because there are more geese on that side

☻Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work

☻What did the turkey say to the chicken?
Gobble gobble

☻Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they’d break

☻Which side of the chicken has he most feathers?
The outside

☻I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

☻This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

☻Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!
☻I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

☻Those innocent eyes… Those kissable lips… A great smile… The perfect walk… Smoothest talk… Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

☻You’re Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!
☻Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!

☻Ure so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber.oh damn im sorry i have the wrong number

☻REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog!

☻3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like 2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen ur cat chases after birds!

☻Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1 a better model cums on the market!

☻Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on accessories for dem!

☻Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of crap

☻5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

☻There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

☻Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone
you’ve never met and say, “Come on, we’re leaving.”

☻You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

☻You know, you’re very easy on the eyes…and very hard on my erection.

☻Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes?

☻Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?

☻You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk
off in your shadow.

☻Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain’t 3.5 inches and it sure ain’t floppy.

☻What’s a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

☻Will you be my Xmas cracker? I’d really like to pull you.

☻Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

☻You are a 9.999. Well, you’d be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

☻You’re good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?

☻Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I’ve ever saw.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Baicarumba…are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

(more…)

☻Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

☻Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

☻Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: “noh ss!w !”. it didn’t make much sense until i read it upside down…

☻MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS
START WITH MEN??

☻A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly
I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

☻HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*

☻Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I’d pick U coz
it’s better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

☻if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!

☻I have the “I”.I have the “L”.I have the “O”.I have the “V”.I have the “E”… so pls
☻Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

☻Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this
message I have been having sex with your thumb!

☻This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat!
NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

☻Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?

☻You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

☻Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don’t have the film.

☻You’re about as good lookin as a cross between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..

☻You! Off my planet!

☻I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted
too much.

☻Why don’t you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.

☻I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

☻You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They’d all like to throw you down one…

☻Somebody said to me that you ain’t fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

☻I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception

☻I hear you’re connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs…

☻See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

☻Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?

☻Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!

☻You’re the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.

☻I’d like to leave you with one thought…unfortunately I ain’t sure you have anywhere to put it!

☻Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.

☻Sure, I’d love to help you out…now, which way did you come in?

☻Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?

☻When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?

☻You’re so bent you make roundabouts look straight!

☻I’ve seen better hands on a leper!

☻This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

☻You’ve got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

☻I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

☻You’re a habit I’d like to kick — with both feet.

☻So now we know why some mammals eat their children…

☻The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

☻He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

☻She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

☻For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells

☻Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

☻An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

☻Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

☻He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

☻When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

☻Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

☻He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

☻What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

☻Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

☻His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

☻There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger

☻He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown

☻A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams

☻If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

☻God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien

☻She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

☻If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman

☻Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields

☻He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

☻Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman

☻Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles

☻Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

☻The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

☻I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan

☻He’s proof that there’s life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

☻A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

☻Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

☻He’s a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.

☻Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

☻One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

☻Not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree

☻A donut short of being a cop

☻A few feathers short of a whole duck.

☻From the British Army? Are you sure you’re not from the Salvation Army?

☻Which village is missing its idiot?.

☻A Titanic intellect … In a world full of icebergs

☻A few clowns short of a circus

☻A few beads short in her rosary.

☻As a failure, you are a great success.

☻You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

☻As bright as Alaska in December.

☻He’s several sausages short of a barbecue. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

☻He’s so dense, light bends around him

☻She’s one tit short of an udder

☻He’ll be doing joined up writing next

☻Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?

☻He’s a day late and a dollar short.

☻All Preparation, no H

☻College letters other than I.O.U

☻The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t anywhere in sight

☻You should request a refund from your university.

☻Who’s several apples short of a bunch?

☻Whose doughnut is out of jam?

☻Sure, I’ve seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission…

☻Hi there, I’m a human being! What are you?

☻I’ve seen more life in a down and out’s vest.

☻You’re red shirt goes well with your eyes…

☻Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.

☻Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?

☻Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

☻Folk clap when they see you…but they clap their hands over their eyes.

☻You’re about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder

☻All day I thought of you….I was at the zoo.

☻I’d love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can’t count that high.

☻You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

☻He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe

☻Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

☻Them: Here’s 10p - go and tell your mum you’re not coming home
You:Here’s a pound - go and buy yourself some breath freshener

☻Haven’t I seen your face before - on a police poster?
Look who’s talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to
get out.

☻I think the sun shines out of your arse.
Well, you’re living proof that even a turd can be polished.

☻Let’s be honest with each other . . . we’ve both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you’re right. Let’s go and pull some girls.

☻Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

☻Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing

☻Don’t let you mind wander - it’s far too small to be let out on its own

☻He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” - but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words

☻I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works

☻Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop

☻Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo

☻If your face had “Welcome” written on it, it would make a perfect doormat

☻If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in

☻Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.

☻Your face is such a mess, why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?

☻Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut

☻Your face doesn’t look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going

☻Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails

☻If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn’t say Hi to folk, I’d say BOO!

☻You’ve got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.

☻You got a face only a mother could love…unfortunately she too hates it!

☻I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

☻Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

☻Sure, I’d love to help you out…now, which way did you come in?

☻Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn’t have given you worse advice…

☻I heard you were so cool that you began teaching remedial classes at Cucumber college.

☻Well, they do say opposites attact…so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest,
intelligent, and cultured.

☻I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

☻Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

☻You started at the bottom…and it’s been downhill ever since!

☻I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

☻Is your name Maple Syrup? - Well, it damn well should be, you sap!

☻I know what sign you were born under…’RED LIGHT DISTRICT’

☻4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN
dogs obey wen u shout @ dem
dogs dont shop
u can giv away ur dogs children
any guy can get a good lookin dog!

☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no
beauty..so the world needs YOU after all!

☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY
try again
again
maybe you are
just not sexy?
one more time
hey don’t force it ugly!!!

☻I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful… I look at you.. I.. I’d rather look at the moon again..

☻As you go through life you are going to have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Take advantage of
all of them.

☻Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not…

☻My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you really messed up my life…

☻Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl’s empty and so is ur head!

☻ Do I look like a damn people person?

☻This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting

☻Haven’t I seen your face before - on a police poster?

☻Look who’s talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets:
one to get in and another to get out.

☻I think the sun shines out of your arse.

☻Well, you’re living proof that even a turd can be polished.

☻Let’s be honest with each other . . .
we’ve both come here for the same reasons.

☻Yes, you’re right. Let’s go and pull some girls.

☻Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

☻Brains aren’t everything.
In fact in your case they’re nothing

☻Don’t let you mind wander
- it’s far too small to be let out on its own

☻He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” -
but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words

☻I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works

☻Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop

☻If your face had “Welcome” written on it,
it would make a perfect doormat

☻If you put your face by a door,
no one would ever come in

☻Your face is such a mess,
when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.

☻Your face is such a mess,
why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?

☻Them: Here’s 10p - go and tell your mum you’re not coming home
You: Here’s a pound - go and buy yourself some breath freshener

☻Them: I never forget a face
You: Neither do I but in your case I’ll make an exception

☻Haven’t I seen your face before - on a police poster?

☻Look who’s talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to
get out.

☻I think the sun shines out of your arse.
Well, you’re living proof that even a turd can be polished.

☻Let’s be honest with each other . . . we’ve both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you’re right. Let’s go and pull some girls.

☻Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

☻Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing

☻Don’t let you mind wander - it’s far too small to be let out on its own

☻He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” - but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words

☻I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works

☻Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop
Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo

☻If your face had “Welcome” written on it, it would make a perfect doormat

☻If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in

☻Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.

☻Your face is such a mess, why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?
Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut

☻Your face doesn’t look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going

☻Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails

☻I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

☻You’re about as subtle as a gynecologist wearing a gas mask and a hair net.

☻You’re about as challenging as stealing candy from a bi-polar baby in a bell-jar.

☻Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

☻May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!

☻Are you typing with your forehead, again?

☻He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

☻Cigarette, A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

☻A rose by any other name still has thorns.

☻There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

☻Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

☻Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

☻Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

☻There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

☻He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

☻You are proof that God has a sense of humor.

☻He dips Sparrows in Peroxide and sells them as Canaries.

☻His idea of a practical joke is to go into the Home for the Blind and flatten out all the Braille.

☻A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

☻People like him don’t just grow on trees - they swing from them

☻When he dies, they’ll bury him face down, so that he can see where he’s going.

☻He campaigned to have the only Bar in his town closed. When it did, he moved away.

☻He’ll take off his jacket and put it on the seat next to him on the train, just to stop a pregnant lady
from sitting down.

☻He folds his newspaper on the bus so that the guy sitting across from him has to read the news upside down.

☻You couldn’t warn to him even if you were both cremated together.

☻We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.

☻You get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing you luck, beating around the bush, and dodging
the issue.

☻Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.

☻He would throw a drowning man both ends of the rope just to see the look on his face.

☻People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than
motorcycle gangs.

☻Get a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the
rest of the world is up to.

☻I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

☻You’re about as subtle as a gynecologist wearing a gas mask and a hair net.

☻You’re about as challenging as stealing candy from a bi-polar baby in a bell-jar.

☻Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

☻May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!

☻Are you typing with your forehead, again?

☻He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

☻Cigarette, A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

☻A rose by any other name still has thorns.

☻There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

☻Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

☻Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

☻Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

☻There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

☻He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

☻You are proof that God has a sense of humor.

☻He dips Sparrows in Peroxide and sells them as Canaries.

☻His idea of a practical joke is to go into the Home for the Blind and flatten out all the Braille.

☻A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

☻People like him don’t just grow on trees - they swing from them

☻When he dies, they’ll bury him face down, so that he can see where he’s going.

☻He campaigned to have the only Bar in his town closed. When it did, he moved away.

☻He’ll take off his jacket and put it on the seat next to him on the train, just to stop a pregnant lady
from sitting down.

☻He folds his newspaper on the bus so that the guy sitting across from him has to read the news upside down.

☻You couldn’t warn to him even if you were both cremated together.

☻We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.
☻Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

☻For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

☻He’s so full of shit, his eyes are brown.

☻He’s running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

☻You’re so weak, you couldn’t knock a sick whore off a shit pot.

☻Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?!

☻Get your mind out of the gutter - it’s blocking my view.

☻If you can laugh at yourself, you’ve got a really sick sense of humor.

☻Mother Nature is a supreme bitch.

☻Is that a comeback? For fuck’s sake, I wipe my ass with sharper stuff than this.

☻He fashions himself as an Insult Samurai. Insult Kamikaze is more apt.

☻Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

☻You get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing you luck, beating around the bush, and dodging
the issue.

☻Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.

☻He would throw a drowning man both ends of the rope just to see the look on his face.

☻People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than
motorcycle gangs.

☻Get a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the
rest of the world is up to

☻Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

☻Why don’t you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride?

☻He’s sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

☻He’s got a head balder than a baby’s arse.

☻He’s got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

☻He’s got a nose like a blind carpenter’s thumb.

☻As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

☻She’s angrier than a Bear with a sore head

☻She’s dressed up like a Dogs dinner

☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

☻He’s that useless he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery

☻She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers

☻She’s been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter’s Lodge.

☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat ☻It’s colder than a penguin’s bollocks

☻She’s got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

☻You’ve got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

☻She’s had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

☻As rare as a Blonde virgin

☻I’ve seen more hair on a billiard ball

☻He’s as camp as a row of tents

☻You could park a bike on that bum

☻He’s as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

☻He’s got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White’s knickers

☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

☻They’ve got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

☻I’ve seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

☻They call her ‘The radio station’ cuz she’s so easy to pick up

☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

☻She’s more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

☻She’s stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

☻About as interesting as watching paint dry

☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard ☻I’ve seen better hands on a clock

☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

☻He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

☻Lights on, door open, nobody at home

☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

☻He’s as bent as a butchers hook

☻He’s as happy as a Pig in $hit

☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

☻About as subtle as a flying brick

☻She’s got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

☻She’s got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

☻She’s seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

☻She’s as fit as a butchers dog

☻She’s got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

☻This guy is all foam, no beer.

☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

☻A legend in his own mind…

☻He’s an expert on padded cells.

☻He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!

☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

☻As rare as a brass monkey’s bollocks

☻Do you notice how I’ve kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see…all spotty

☻Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I’m going to mine.

☻Man: So, what’s your sign?
Woman: No Entry
☻Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

☻Friend: I’ve just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed…

☻Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

☻Friend: I’ve changed my mind…
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?

☻Hey, I may be fat, but you’ll always be ugly, and I can diet.

☻Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

☻Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

☻Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me…I said, You Look fat in those pants.

☻Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking…for a Gorilla, that is…

☻Boss: Employees like that don’t grow on trees you know…
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them…

☻Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It’s called Soap - don’t think you’ve ever smelt it before…

☻Man: Say, haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

☻Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you’re dead right…I want you to go away!

☻Wife: Darling, do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes

☻Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought

☻Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here…

☻You know, I’ve been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don’t count…

☻How many people work in your office?
About half of them

☻Brother: I love biscuits
You: That’s cuz your crackers

☻You: I reckon you’d make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

☻Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a Female Impersonator.

☻Man: Hey there, haven’t I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up…Press Down…!

☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly…well enough about ME! How are you?

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
… No Strings attached
…but for a limited period ONLY!
…A bloody good deal!

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my
Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin…so where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you’re too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start
jumping on it. Thank you

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

☻Why’d they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated…calibration complete, now searching…..still searching….still searching……sorry, no
friends found.
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r.

☻Press down..More…Ok more…WOW yes ahh ohh yes….almost there….oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD…oh goddd!…That’s how I sex on
text!

☻I went to ur house justnow - can’t enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Always remember you’re unique - just like everyone else.

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

☻Don’t feel sad…don’t feel blue…Frankenstein was ugly too…

☻U got Sex Appeal…U got Class…U got Moves…U got da Face, da Body….shit…I got wrong number…SORRY

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

☻Nope…..u still ugly!

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.

☻Bride’s Dad hands a note to the groom: ‘GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.’ Groom gave another note back to father:
‘CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.’

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

☻It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻You are here: X

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that’s the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel
your Nob to the car cuz it’s too heavy.

☻Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻Jesus loves you…everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don’t start anything.

☻Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin ‘Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex,
Please try again later.’

☻Bloke calls work : “Boss, cannae come in tae work. I’m sick”
Boss asks: “How sick are u?”
Bloke: “I’m F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???”

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that’s between!

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

☻When an apple is green, it’s ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to ..WOOPS…wrong number….

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

☻I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs and check.

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

☻Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

☻Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???

☻Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

☻If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

☻If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

☻Mind intentionally left blank…

☻I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

☻Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

☻If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

☻Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I’ve forgotten this before.

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

☻The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

☻Born Free……..Taxed to Death.

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait…searching…searching…still searching…sorry NO BRAIN found

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now…wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain…leaving now…

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’

☻Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

☻Celibacy is not hereditary
☻Familiarity breeds children
☻Life is sexually transmitted
☻We do precision guesswork
☻Born free . . . Taxed to death
☻If it’s too loud, you’re too old
☻Common sense isn’t common
☻Nothing succeeds like excess
☻Do pilots take crash-courses?
☻If it ain’t broke, fix it until it is
☻The older I get, the older old is
☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
☻A closed mouth gathers no feet
☻Do witches run spell checkers?
☻I don’t get even . . . . . I get odder
☻Allow me to introduce my selves
☻A feature is a bug with seniority
☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?
☻Justice: A decision in your favor
☻Strip mining prevents forest fires
☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind
☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed
☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
☻Today’s subliminal message is . . .
☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me…are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I’m new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbour … what say we tie up for the night?

☻I’ve just moved you to the top of my ‘to do’ list.

☻If you don’t wanna have kids with me, then why don’t we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion
☻If it ain’t chocolate, it ain’t dessert
☻I don’t work here. I’m a consultant
☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
☻The best things in life aren’t things
☻I like feminists; I think they’re cute
☻I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable
☻Does killing time damage eternity?
☻How can there be self-help groups?
☻”Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy
☻BIGAMIST — A heavy fog in Italy
☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
☻Guilt — the gift that keeps on giving
☻Exceptions always outnumber rules
☻Adults are just kids who owe money
☻All stressed out and no one to choke
☻Constipated people don’t give a crap
☻I may not be perfect, but I’m all I got

☻Where there’s a will, I want to be in it
☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
☻Never miss a good chance to shut up
☻All computers wait at the same speed
☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation
☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw
☻I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
☻I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier
☻When money talks, the criminal walks
☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?
☻How come night falls but day breaks?
☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?
☻If we quit voting will they all go away?
☻Is it time for your medication or mine?
☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
☻I’m not getting older…I’m getting bitter
☻When all else fails manipulate the data
☻I’m as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!

☻Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature

☻All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!

☻if barbie is so popular….then y do u have 2 buy her friends?

☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I’m not a quitter!

☻I intend to live forever- so far so good

☻Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!
☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

☻Q : What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A : Far-from-thinking

☻What’s brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who’s been telling one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn’t find the recipe.

☻Q : Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A : They keep breaking them with the hammers.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She tripped on the cordless phone

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Leo

☻If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Q : What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A : She slipped off and fell down the drain

☻Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night

☻Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said “concentrate”

☻What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring

☻Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don’t mind their own business? No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, “Tokyo Disneyland Left”, so
they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it☻Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw “911″ and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier……….

☻Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

☻Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don’t have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they’ve no idea of the route.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off it’s 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

☻Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

☻Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

☻It’s with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.
She tried putting batteries in it.

☻To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with ‘Please turn over’ scribbled on both sides.

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.

☻Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It’s with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains….yes, her husband
just died.

☻Q: What’s brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who’s been tellin one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Q: Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn’t find the recipe.
☻Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on ‘Daddddyyy’

☻Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

☻Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.

☻Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.

☻Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.

☻Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: “Oh, only Six I think - I’d never manage to eat all 12 pieces.”

☻Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.

☻Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.

☻Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

☻Q : Why are blonde jokes so short?
A : So men can remember them.

☻Q : Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
A : Because they can understand them

☻Q : How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A : Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻Q : What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A : They’re both empty from the neck up.

☻Q : Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A : From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”

☻Q : Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A : So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills

☻Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.

☻Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

☻Q: Why are blondes hurt by people’s words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - “Cockll-doodlle-doooooo”, while a blonde shouts, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”

☻Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.

☻Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: “Thanks, guys!”.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There’s fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only ‘had’ Ten Thousand men.

☻Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

☻Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she’d given her last Blow job.

☻Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

☻Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit

☻Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Great Tits!!!”

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she’s been laid all over the country.

☻Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.

☻Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don’t mind if you bring friends.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she’ll be ready to blow.

☻Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

☻Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: No idea mate. I’m already long gone….

☻Q: What’s a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

☻Q: Why did they call the blonde “twinkie”?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.

☻Q: In a Blonde’s mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

☻Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won’t shit on the street during a rally.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One’s a bunch a cunning runts.

☻Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

☻Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.

☻Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

☻Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde’s favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen

☻Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

☻Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

☻Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.

☻Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they’re fucked.

☻45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

☻Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.

☻Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

☻Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

☻Q: What’s the blonde’s idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.

☻Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.

☻Q: Why don’t blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.

☻Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

☻Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it’s back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!

☻Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

☻Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don’t, you see if you’ve got 4 condoms

☻Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

☻It’s important to realise that Blondes can’t go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they
gotta lay down…

☻. It’s even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw
anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you…

☻It’s worth remembering why blondes can’t count to 70 - it’s cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful…

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She’ll blow your mind, too.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody’s went to town in a limo!

☻Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

☻Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

☻Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they’ve ever met!

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

☻Q: What do blonde’s do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

☻Q: What do blonde’s do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

☻Q: What’s the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

☻Q: What nickname is most used by blonde’s in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

☻Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette …?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde’s been in your refridgerator?
A: There’s lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

☻Q: What’s a 68 to a blonde?
A: It’s where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

☻Q: What’s the white stuff you find in a blonde’s panties?
A: Clitty litter.

☻Q: Why is it that Blonde’s always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it’s cost they gotta pull their own pants down…

☻Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.

☻84. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

☻85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There’s a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses’ faces.

☻Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

☻Q: Why did the blonde give a b*** job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

☻Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

☻Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

☻Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.

☻92. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

☻Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde’s mouth?
A: Einstein’s d**k.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

☻Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: “Hey fellas, Look! There I am!”

☻Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.

☻99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.

☻Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: “EuroDisney Left” so she went home.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, ‘Hooked On Phonics’…

☻Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.

☻Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK”.

☻Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?

☻Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

☻Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17’s) rating? A: Went
home and got 16 friends.

☻Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

☻Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She’s got a checkbook.

☻Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There’s a stamp on it.

☻Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.

☻Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em’ with hammers.

☻Q: What’s the difference between blondes and McDonald’s?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

☻Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

☻Q: What’s the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.

☻Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

☻Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.

☻Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

☻Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

☻Q: What’s the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

☻Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in
movie theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

☻Q: What’s a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

☻Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out.
☻Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

☻Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year’s hide and seek champion.

☻Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

☻Q: What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say “Hello”

☻Q: Why are blonde’s immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats…

☻Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.

☻Q: Where do you look for blonde’s obituaries?
A: Under “Home Improvements.”

☻Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.

☻Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.

☻Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

☻Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You’d pull the pin and throw it back.

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

☻Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don’t lend the Merc out to your friend.

☻Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they’ll both end up in the gutter.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn’t want to waken the sleeping pills.

☻Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

☻Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

☻Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

☻Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

☻Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

☻Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well…Like, I dunno!

☻Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.

☻Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

☻Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

☻Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

☻Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

☻Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.

☻Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

☻What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

☻Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!

☻Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.

☻Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she’s been laid all over the country.

☻Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!

☻What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.

☻What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

☻Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod…

☻What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie
theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

☻What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they’re fucked.

☻ How would a blond punctuate the following?: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry”
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

☻Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

☻A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks “Where did you
get that?”
The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”

☻A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

☻What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

☻Why did the blonde keep failing her driver’s test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

☻What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

☻What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

☻Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don’t have to worry about blowing their brains out.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

☻Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

☻Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

☻How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

☻Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She tripped on the cordless phone

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻Did you hear about the blonde

At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Leo

☻Did you hear about the blonde

If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻Did you hear about the blonde

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don’t mind their own business?

No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, “Tokyo Disneyland Left”, so
they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red?

Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it

☻Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw “911″ on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

☻Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

☻Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

☻How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?
“Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?”

☻Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

☻What is the blonde’s favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

☻What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ….?
A blond doing cartwheels.

☻What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

☻Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

☻Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

☻What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

☻How do you know when a blond’s been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!

☻What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

☻What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

☻What’s the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

☻Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

☻What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.

☻What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
The Branch Manager.

☻What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proof-reading.

☻How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Why do blondes love lightning?
They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It’s with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains….yes, her husband
just died.
☻She was so blonde that…

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

☻On the bottom of the job application where it said ‘Sign Here’ she wrote ‘Aquarias’.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She told me to meet her on the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.

☻She tried to place a bag of M&M’s in alphabetical order.

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

☻She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

☻When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

☻She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - “concentrate”

☻She got stabbed in a Shoot out.

☻She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

☻She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.

☻When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: “LOOK, they’ve spelled MACY’s wrong!!!”

☻She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.

☻She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

☻If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you’d get change.

☻She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

☻She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.

☻It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻She asked for a Price-check at the ‘Everythings a Pound’ store.

☻They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.

☻She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

☻When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: “Grape or Cherry?”

☻She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.

☻She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

☻Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.

☻Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.

☻Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it’s place saying: “Thanks for the TV”

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I’ll tell you tomorrow.)

☻Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.

☻Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon
☻Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it spat- It sure aint u.u
ugly part!
☻Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a flat so how the damn do i
know.

☻Yo mama’s a stunt double for the Predator

☻Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.

☻Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi’s

☻Yo mama’s so fat, she ain’t on a diet, she’s on a Triet - She’s all like - “Whatever yo eating … I’ll try it!”
☻Yo Mother in law’s so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.
☻Yo mama’s so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs
☻Your moma’s so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
☻Yo mama’s so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out…
☻Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.

☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked
ma wallet…

☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world’s largest wilderbeast.
☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn’t use a condom.

☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they’d still be Brother and Sister

☻Yo mama’s so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips

☻I got on the train last night - they had a new sign up reading - “Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama”
☻Yo grannie’s so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has “Place Your Ad Here” printed.
☻Your mamma’s so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.
☻Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said ‘Press any key to continue’, she phoned support complaing she couldn’t find
the ‘any’ key…
☻Yo mama’s so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
☻You mama’s so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
☻Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers….

☻Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!
☻Yo Nana so ugly she didn’t get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.
☻I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.
☻Yo’ kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies…
☻Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.
☻Yo auntie Ethel’s so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.
☻Yo mama’s like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE
☻Yo brother’s mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!
☻Yo girlfriend’s hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin’s so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the
Niagra Falls…
☻Yo Mama’s so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.

☻Yo mama’s like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and “OH
MY GOD IT’S COMING TOWARDS US!!”
☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama’s so damn stupid on a job application it said “sex” and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.
☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says “ow man im so sore” Dario asks ”
whats wrong?” Paris replies ” man yo mama was rough last night” Rico adds ” she needs to loosen up”
☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they’re having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!
☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don’t say ‘Are we there yet’, they scream, ‘Is she Dead yet!’
☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn
☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!
☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her
pants
☻Yo mama so fat her logo is “we are family, burger king, mc donalds and
me…”
☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial
☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of
friends
☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died
☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.
☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.
☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday
☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.
☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine
☻This is a fact, yo mama’s breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don’t mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.
☻Yo Mama’s teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama’s breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!
☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.
☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!
☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip ‘n’ slide
☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell
is happing…oh shit its a real damn earthquake.
☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell
☻Yo Momma’s so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn’t date her.
☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded
☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.
☻Yo’ mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.
☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door
☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.
☻Yo mama’s so ugly, she made a blind man cry!
☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted
you!
☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!
☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.
☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless

☻Yo mama soooo poor she can’t even pay attention!

☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, “Hey Gollum, give us your autograph”

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, “Hey, the School Bus
is here!”

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean

☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she’d tell her momma to put mick
jagger on child support!

☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling
his baby.

☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!

☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell “taxi”

☻Yo mama’s so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!

☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!

☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

☻Yo Mama’s so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.

☻Yo mama’s so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I’d call her a hoe but hoes’ get paid.

☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.

☻Yo’ mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.

☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.

☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.

☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.

☻Yo’ Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

☻Yo’ Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Your mama’s so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.

☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled “I got the Power!”.

☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.

☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.

☻Yo’ Sista’s just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!

☻Yo Mamma’s so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!

☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!

☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says “hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi”

☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.

☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!

☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept

☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can’t count past 9…

☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.

☻Yo mama’s blind and is seeing another man.

☻Yo mama’s glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.

☻Yo mama’s so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I’m now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!

☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said ‘Sex?’ she marked “M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday
too..”

☻You’ big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).

☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: “Well, my first baby’s daddy was Jimmy…and I still see
Johnny on Fridays….”

☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

☻Yo Mother in law’s teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

☻Yo Momma’s like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.

☻Yo ex-girlfriend’s like Humpty Dumpty… first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

☻Yo mama’s like a race car driver…she burns a lot of rubbers…

☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday…

☻Yo gilfriends’s afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.

☻Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema…

☻Yo Papa’s so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.

☻Yo Grannie’s so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - ‘NO PARACHUTES
ALLOWED’

☻You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.

☻Yo’ best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.

☻You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.

☻Tell Yo’ girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night…

☻Yo’ papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.

☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?

☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!

☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings

☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.

☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.

☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.

☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick…I got balls like a smurf now!

☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.

☻Yo mama’s so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads “One at a time, please”.

☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.

☻You Mommy so hairy she’s got afros on her nipples.

☻Yo’ mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it

☻Yo Papa’s like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.

☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.
☻I told her drinks were on the house…so she went and got a ladder…

☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

☻she noticed a sign reading ‘Wet Floor’…so she just did!

☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, “Wow, it comes with cable too!”

☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund…

☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

☻she leaves tell tales signs she’s been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

☻she invented a silent car alarm.

☻that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies…

☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

☻she was born on Halloween and can’t remember her birthday.

☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

☻she lost her shadow.

☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me…’Which colour?’

☻Anything Yo’s - So Damn Stupid…
☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says ‘Don’t write below dotted line’, he puts ‘OK’

☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout…

☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

☻Yo’ Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her
period.

☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis….Phil Collins old band…

☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb…it now read: Dumb(n) - yo’ Mama

☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the garbage…so he moved house…

☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said “Disneyworld Left” so drove home.

☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

☻Yo’ accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy’s with magnets

☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

☻Yo’ Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

☻Yo Sister’s so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

☻Yo Father’s so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

☻You Grandma’s so stupid when I tell her it’s chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was…

☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says ‘You’ve got mail” she runs outside to wait for the Postman

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio’s were a new type of Donut Seed

☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - ‘Hundreds and thousands’

☻Your Dog’s so stupid he bury’s his own tail

☻Yo mama’s so stupid, wait…she had you didn’t she!

☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway’s frozen food section with a fishing rod

☻Yo Uncle so stupid…heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close…

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal
injection.

☻Your doctor’s so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope

☻Yo Mama So Ugly
☻she put the Boogie man outta business.

☻she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

☻when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, “Damn it, can’t believe it’s Halloween already…”

☻when she applied for the ugly contest they told her ‘NO Professionals’

☻she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

☻minutes after she was born her Mother shouted ‘What a treasure!” and her Poppa said “Yes, now let’s go and bury her…”

☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours….and that was just for the quote!

☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye…

☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain

☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…

☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

☻her shadow gave up.

☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON’t have to see her…

☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

☻they gave her a middle name…’accident’.

☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her…

☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

☻Anything Yo’s - So Ugly…

☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don’t need anasthetics

☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

☻Yo Driving Instructor’s so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

☻Your Girlfriend’s so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it’s still Doggy-style!

☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee’s from jerking off!

☻Yo’ Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him…

☻Yo Sister’s so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain’t that where most accidents happen?

☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second…

☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

☻Yo Father’s so ugly his hairline ain’t receding…it’s his hair that’s running away from his ugly noggin.

☻You Grandma’s so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

☻Yo’ Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he’d rather live as a frog.

☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

☻Your Dog’s so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards…

☻Yo mama’s so ugly, hold on….you got a mirror handy???

☻Yo Mama’s sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the
electric chair

☻Yo Momma’s so ugly that she hurt my feelings…

☻Your doctor’s so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!
☻Yo Moma So Old
☻she left her purse on Noah’s Ark.

☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories…

☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

☻she still owes Moses a dollar.

☻when she was at school…there was No history class!

☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

☻she’s got the first autographed Koran.

☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

☻she even made Yoda jealous.

☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

☻her first job was as Cain and Abel’s baby-sitter.

☻vher birthday expired.

☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
☻Anything Yo’s - So Old …
☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

☻Yo Priest so old he’s got Adam and Eve’s autograph

☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

☻Yo’ geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble’s hair

☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

☻Yo’ home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

☻Your Aunties so old that when God said ‘let there be light’, she was the one flicking on the light switch.

☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

☻Yo sister so old she’s more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

☻yo’ Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

☻Yo’ Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

☻I told yo big sister to act her own age…and she died.

☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.

☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says “Expired” on it.

☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

☻Your Girlfriend’s so old, she invented the term ‘oldest profession in the world’

☻Yo’ mother-in-law so ancient she’s in Jesus’s yearbook!

☻Yo Gardener’s so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

☻Yo’ big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she’s got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate
☻Yo Moma So Poor
☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

☻they put her photo on food stamps.

☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

☻burglars break into her home and leave money.

☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.

☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk’s fingers

☻she can’t even afford to go to the free clinic.

☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing….’Moving’ she replied.

☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said ‘Ding-Dong’

☻I asked her where the ‘facilities were’ and she replied - “Pick a corner…ANY corner…”

☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - “Who’s tearing down the drapes!!!!”

☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said “Sure thing, it’s 4th tree on your right…”

☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted…

☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - “Lost a shoe?”, and she said - “Nope…just found one…”

☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley….with a box on it…

☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

☻I went into her ‘living room’, stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - “Oi, who turned off the heater!”

☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - “Who knocked???”

☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - “Don’t use the good china”
☻Anything Yo’s - So Poor…
☻You’re so poor even Beggars give you money.

☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

☻Your Teachers so poor she can’t even afford to pay attention.

☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻You family so poor you’s live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

☻Yo sister is so po…shit, she can’t even afford them last 2 letters!

☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

☻Yo’ Cleaner so poor she can’t afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor…

☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the ‘yellow snow’…and yo loved it, didn’t ya!

☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel
saying: “May the force be with you.”

☻Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!

☻Yo older sis getting so poor she’s planning on getting married…just so she can get the rice at the wedding.

☻Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.

☻Yo’ so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer

☻Yo’ best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).

☻Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can’t even afford to put her two cents into this conversation…

☻Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what’s for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!

☻Yo’ Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table…took one and she said - “Don’t be greedy!”

☻You Auntie’s so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag…

☻Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - “Get off my F****in CAR”

☻Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.

☻Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex

☻Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food…

☻Yo Gardener’s so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn…

☻Yo Mama’s so damn poor, her front porch matt says ‘Wel’…

☻You so piss poor…hold on, you don’t have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of…

☻Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - “Who turned out the lights?”

☻Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they’re
for and she says: “Use one to hold up the ceiling…use the other to fight off the cockroaches…”

☻Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.
☻Anything Yo’s….
☻Yo Mamma’s feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her
toes.

☻Yo’ Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

☻I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all…

☻Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.

☻Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

☻Yo mama’s so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

☻Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister’s knickers…

☻You liked that mama joke didn’t ya? Good?…well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night

☻But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I’d just wipe it off Yo Mamma’s chin…

☻Yo Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!

☻You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..

☻Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.

☻Your Grandpa’s so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.

☻Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she’s a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the
Ewoks (no makeup needed).

☻Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey…

☻Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night…

☻Yo mama’s so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.

☻Yo mama’s like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go
get some Head and Shoulders…she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!

☻Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb

☻Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.

☻Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid

☻Yo Dog so short it’s best friend is an Ant.

☻Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.

☻Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change…

☻The first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it actually reads - ‘In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth
and yo’ fat ugly Mama’

☻Yo Grandpa’s house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.

☻Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!

☻I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the job…

☻Yo baby sista’s nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous…

☻Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!

☻Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read ‘All praise is due to Allah, the Lord
of the Worlds and Father of Yo’ Mama’…

☻I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel’s ass and scared the hump
off of it!

☻Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.

☻Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school

☻I took yo Mama to the Doctor’s - I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me
she’s contracted ‘Tony’…

☻Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder

☻That Grandpa of your’s so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes…

☻Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds…

☻Yo mama’s chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.

☻Yo mama’s so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.

☻Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.

☻I’s apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama…I should know better…hell, I don’t even know the Man…

☻No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint….a saint Bernard!

☻But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course - everybody gets a hole in one!

☻Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.

☻And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.

☻Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves

☻She nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out - he caught food poisining…

☻Yo’momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow

☻Yo Momma Like
☻a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.

☻a bus - only 50 pence a ride

☻a 747 - a 3 man cock pit!

☻a shotgun - first she cocks…then she blows.

☻a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet…

☻a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go

☻an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds

☻a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!

☻the sun - if you stare at her too long you’re gonna go blind.

☻a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.

☻Pizza Hut - not there in 30 minutes…it’s free.

☻a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more…

☻a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.

☻McDonalds … Billions and Billions served…

☻a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.

☻the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her

☻a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it

☻peanut butter — oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.

☻Anything Yo’s
☻Yo secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24 hours…

☻Yo Female Boss like a 7-11…open 24 hours for your convenience…

☻Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day…

☻Yo’ ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth…

☻Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle…they swallow a whole lotta seamen.

☻Yo’ Cousin like a Penny…she ain’t worth two bob.

☻Yo Auntie like a Library - open to the public.

☻Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes home happy.

☻Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody gets a piece…

☻Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she only take deliviries in rear…
☻Yo Momma so Smelly
☻the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

☻she made Right Guard call for backup.

☻even the dogs won’t smell her.

☻an old blind geezer walking by asked her ‘yo, how much for the shrimp platter?”

☻that when she spread her legs, I got seasick…

☻she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

☻her poo is glad to escape.

☻that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!

☻that the only dis I’m gonna give her is Disinfectent…

☻that when you was being born, the doctor’s and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks…

☻even sewer rats get outta her way…

☻that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer…

☻Yo Momma so Dirty
☻she has to creep up on the bath water.

☻that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.

☻that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

☻she lost 2 stone after taking a shower

☻that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.

☻that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.

☻Yo Momma so Greasy
☻Texaco buy oil from her

☻she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair…

☻her freckles slipped off.

☻the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry

☻she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam…and has a full time job at the ‘Pancake Palace’ wiping pancakes across her forheed

☻her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

☻she uses bacon as a band aid.

☻Your Mama So Fat
☻when she step on the Weight Scales it says…’to be continued’…

☻she once went on a seafood diet…whenever she saw food she ate it!

☻folk exercise by jogging around her!

☻when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

☻she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

☻she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

☻NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

☻she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm…

☻small objects orbit her.

☻she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

☻when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

☻when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

☻she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her…behind Mount Everest.

☻when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

☻she could be the eighth continent.

☻she nearly put Safeway out of business

☻the only thing that’s attracted to her is gravity.

☻her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

☻when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

☻she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

☻her fave food is seconds.

☻her belt size is Equator.

☻she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

☻she wears an ‘X’ jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

☻she shows up on radar.

☻she needs a map to find her butt.

☻she fell into the Grand Canyon….and got stuck!

☻she wears an asteroid belt.

☻her Passport photo says ‘Picture is continued overleaf’

☻she has TB … 2 bellys.

☻she’s once, twice, three times a lady.

☻she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

☻the circus use her as a trampoline

☻stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

☻when she opens the Fridge it says - ‘I give up…’

☻she got a new gig at the Cinema…she works as the screen

☻she once told me ‘I could eat a horse’…believe me, she wasn’t kidding!

☻she deep fries her toothpaste.

☻Anything Yo’s - So Fat…
☻Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she’d be a Jumbo Jet.

☻Yo Grandpa so fat that he’s half Scottish, half Irish and half American

☻Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, “Land Ahoy!!!”

☻Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell…

☻Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she’s backing up.

☻Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

☻Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

☻Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma’s teeth…that why she so ugly!

☻Yo Papa’s so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

☻Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

☻Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can’t help laughing

☻Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

☻Yo Father so fat he can’t even tie his own shoelaces

☻Yo Mama so huge that God created her…and on the seventh day rested.

☻Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

☻Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker’s beer belly look 2 atoms thick

☻Yo Lawyer’s so fat…we’re inside her right now.

☻Yo’ Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

☻Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

☻Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

☻Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

☻Your boyfriend so fat he hasn’t seen his feet for 10 years

☻Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out…and I ain’t talkin bout the ’sweetie’

☻You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

☻Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

☻Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

☻You cousin so fat she’s on Both sides of the family.

☻Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

☻Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

☻Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

☻Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman’s pastry

☻Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ’ing for the Ice Cream Van.

☻Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

☻Yo Dog so fat that when you take it ‘walkies’ it don’t know whether it walking or rolling

☻Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain’t enough.

☻Yo’ Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus….and Neptune…and pluto…and…

☻Yo Moma…
☻has 10 fingers — all on the same hand.

☻has green hair and thinks she’s a Tree.

☻has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

☻has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers

☻has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles…

☻has a major weight problem - she can’t wait…to eat.

☻got a house that’s so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies

☻got a glass eye with a fish in it.

☻got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it

☻got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: “Christ, I aint’ seen this much snow in years.”

☻got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts…

☻is a carpenter’s dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail…
☻Yo mama’s got a wooden leg with branches. Yo’ baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts

☻Yo’ Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.

☻Yo Doc’ got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.

☻You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.

☻Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys

☻Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she’s a representative for world peace.

☻Yo’ humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.

☻You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits

☻Yo’ Nana’s teeth so damb black you’d think she had coal for her dinner

☻Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york…and then some…

☻Your Auntie got one leg…and folk call her Eileen

☻Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on

☻Yo cousin got 3 teeth … one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

☻Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles

☻Yo Dentist got Summer teeth…summer in his mouth….summer in his trouser pockets…

☻You Wife got more crack than harlem

☻Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.

☻Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

☻You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob

☻Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.

☻Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights

☻Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.

☻Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.

☻Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

☻Yo Milkman’s teeth so damn yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻Yo Mother in law so yellow you’d think she’d been blowing the Simpsons

☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

☻Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!

☻Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I’m looking for a loophole

☻Marriage is not a word. It’s a sentence….(a life sentence!).

☻Marriage is a 3-ring circus - engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering.

☻A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

☻A woman was telling her friend , “It was I who made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
The woman replied, ” A multi-millionaire”.

☻There was this woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with the most amazingly beautiful and expensive
jewels.
Her explanation - “If I die and my husband re-marries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels.”

☻The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes…

☻The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid
she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
First the aisle, cos that is what you’ll be walking down.
Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her
repeating these 3 words
…Aisle, alter hymn (I’ll alter him)

☻Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

☻A little kid asks his Dad, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
“No idea,” replied the Father, “I’m still paying for it…”

☻There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!

☻I’ve got a good friend who married a Doctor.
One day he told her: “You need to do something to spice up our love-making”.
Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
“Why?” asked her husband. “You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion”, she replied…

☻Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

☻One day a man inserted an ‘advert’ in the local classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

☻What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -
Well, it’s the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

☻Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

☻After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied: “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

☻I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

☻I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. - Noel Coward

☻Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

☻The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

☻A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

☻A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne

☻Marriage changes passion … suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. - Unknown

☻Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

☻Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith

☻There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

☻The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde

☻An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha
Christie

☻Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. - Joey Adams

☻A husband’s last words should always be ‘OK buy it’.

☻They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood

☻There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. - Clint Eastwood

☻The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake - Unknown.

☻A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

☻Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx

☻After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi

☻A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

☻The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henry Youngman

☻Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. - Mae West

☻The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him - Cher

☻I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann

☻I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every
morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

☻I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker

☻When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

☻Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin

☻Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

☻By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

☻A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland

☻Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck

☻All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. - Lord Byron

☻Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman

☻Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

☻My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

☻I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield

☻I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow

☻Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

☻To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding celebrations…

☻To the NewlyWeds: May ‘for better or worse’ be far better than worse.

☻To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage
…Here’s to good sense of humor and a short memory!

☻Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last
two words in: “Yes dear”

☻You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.

☻May the best of your past be the worst of your future

☻Married life has many Ups and Downs…May most of yours be between the sheets!

☻May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness and fulfilment

☻To our wives and lovers…may they never meet!

☻Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to
bring an accumulation to the population.

☻May you grow old on one pillow.

☻Dear [bride’s name],

☻Isn’t it quite funny how History repeats itself?
[Bride’s Age] years ago your Mother and Father were putting you to bed with a dummy…and now it’s happening all over again

☻Here’s to the bride - may she share everything with her husband…and that includes the housework.

☻To the Bride and Groom - may the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out

☻To the Bride and Groom - live life to the fullest and remember, this is the first day of the rest of your life…

☻To my wife…my bride…my joy

☻May your joys be as deep as the Ocean, and your troubles as light as its foam.

☻May we never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

☻A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Here’s to you, my beautiful bride.

☻May our children be blessed with rich parents

☻Here’s to my bride: she knows everything about me, yet loves me just the same.

☻I’ve known many,
Liked not a few,
Loved only one,
I toast to you

☻what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don’t know they never met!

☻Kiss’s r blown + kiss’s r wasted kiss’s rnt kiss’s unless they r tasted, kiss’s spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE
im vacinated!

☻How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!

☻last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky…. then I thought where the fuck is my roof??

☻mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got foot and mouth

☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

☻This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start
jumping on it . Thank you

☻Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they’re black andcrispy.

☻Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your get us all shot.

☻Your teeth are so yellow, ican’t believe it’s not butter!!!

☻Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.

☻Yo mama’s so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

☻Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!

☻mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fuck!

☻whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?….they r all stuck upcunts!

☻sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs…
and MULTIPLY!

☻how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? …………. ………… …tell you later !!!

☻At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this
SMS

☻farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn’t life a drag?
coz they’re all burning in a field
he’s got no sheep to shag

☻*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15’s

☻ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less
meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

☻Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻KNOWING YOURSELF

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

☻ WHO YOU TRUST

There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who
you trust next time around.

☻GRATEFUL

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will
know how to be grateful.
☻ MATCHES

MuM: Have you brought the matches home? Son: Yes! Mum: Are they working??? Son: Yes! I have try up all the fire macthes… It’s
working.

☻ WASTING YOUR TIME

Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.

☻THE WORLD

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world

☻FIRST SIGHT

FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe’s SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and’ WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~

☻ VALUE OF LOVE

LovE is Not HoW LonG U’ve BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U’ve GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U’ve HeLpEd EaCh OthEr — Its
HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr…

☻ STILL LOVING U

i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î’M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î’ll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE
YOU ßût í’Vé tó SaY gooDbYê…

☻ NEWSPAPER

Some newspapers publish untrue news, but there is one thing that is true. What is it? >>> Date <<<

☻ NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO

Don’t regret what you’ve did, but regret what you never did, go and say ‘I LOVE U’ to your loved one!

☻ NEEDS

Every girl wants one guy to meet all her needs, while every guy wants all the girls to meet his one need.

☻ HUGGING YOU

Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you… I wish that someday I’d dream about my pillow and I’d be hugging you.

☻ CHARACTER VS REPUTAION

Be MorE Concerned AbouT YouR CharacteR ThaN YouR ReputationN BecausE YouR CharacteR Is WhO YoU ArE AnD YoU ReputaioN Is WhaT
OtherS ThinK Of YoU!!!

☻ 1 HEARTBEAT

When I look at you, my heart skips 1 beat but later that beat could mean a lifetime of tears wasted on some thing i knew i
could never have!

☻ GIRLS ARE LIKE…

Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked too, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

☻ LOVE IS SO CONFUSING

Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?

☻ IT’S OVER

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happend.

☻ IDIOT

It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

☻ REALITY

Love Is When You Don’t Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.

☻ FORGET ME NOT

Under the sea, there lays a rock. In the rock, there is an envelope. In the envelope, there is a paper. On the paper, there
are 3 words… ‘Forget me not’

☻ LIVE YOUR LIFE

When u were born, u were crying and everyone round u was smiling.. Live ur life so that when u die, u’re the one who is
smiling and everyone round u is crying..

☻ MAKE THE BEST OF IT

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everyting… they just make the most of everything that comes along
their way…

☻ LIFETIME GUARANTEE

I got nothing else 2 offer, so 2 U, it’s luv I going 2 send. It’s nothing tat I borrowed, it’s nothing I’d lend. This luv I’m
sending has a Lifetime Guarantee!

☻ COMPUTER

A good friend is like a computer; me ‘enter’ ur life, ’save’ u in my heart, ‘format’ ur problems, ’shift’ u 2 opportunities &
never ‘delete’ u from my memory!

☻ TEARS

Don’t cry for someone who don’t worth while; the one who is worth, wouldn’t make one cries..

☻ SEAT BELT

A Short thing, It gets Longer when U hold it, N pass between women Breasts, N enters into A hole What is it? 1 min 2 think!
Car Seat Belt, U dirty mind.

☻ DESSERTS

When you are feeling stressed and about to breakdown, just remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backwards.. it’s a
piece of cake!

☻ MEMORIES

Memories is treasured, no one can steal. Parting is heartache, no one can heal. Some’ll forget you when you are gone, but
I’ll remember you no matter how long.

☻ DON’T BE SAD

If someone comes into your life and becomes part of you, but for some reason he/she could not stay, don’t be too sad… be glad
that your paths have crossed.

☻ SHINING STAR

You’re like a shining star in the cold dark nite, you lead me, you guide me, you makes everything seems so rite…

☻ SHE..

She BlinDeD mE wiTh hEr LigHT, it’S SucH A beaUtiFuL SigHt… The WaY She MoVes Is LiKe An AngEl… ShE gOt Me WaLkiNg On Air.

☻ I FELL FOR YOU

Excuse me, do u have a Band-Aid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you

☻ RUNNING

aRe Ur LeGs TiReD? CoZ yoU’Ve BeEn RuNNiNg ThRoUgH My MiNd aLL DaY LoNg!

☻ 911

Why can’t a blonde dial 911? Because She can’t find the eleven!!!

☻ FRIENDS ALWAYS

In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You’ll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond
TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

☻ WHY IS HE NOT MINE…

wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE…
sTiLL nOt mInE…

☻ DON’T WANT TO LOST YOU

If yöü cän bé ävöìdéd sìmply by clösìng r éyés, I wöüldn’t blìnk ät äll for I dönt wänt to lét ä sécönd päss hävìng löst ä
höñey lìké YÖü!

☻ CAN’T LET U GO

Höld ä trüé frìénd wìth böth yöür händs, doñt lét gö 4 trüé frìend cömés öncé ìn ä lìfétìmé. Thåt’s why ì’m höldìng yoü
tight! Cänt lét Ü go

☻ NOT TOO YOUNG

No one is too young for love, because love doesn’t come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which
knows no age.

☻ ANGEL FRIENDS

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I’m surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.

☻ I FOUND U

Love is like a cloud… love is like a dream… love is 1 word and everything in between… love is a fairytale come true… Coz I
found love when I found U.

☻ NEVER END

If I had a single flower for every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden forever, never finding the end.

☻ IT HURTS

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to
let them know how you feel.

☻ SMILE

You do not know the effect you have on me because every time I see you my heart begins to smile.

☻ FORGET YOU

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget
someone.

☻ IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST

I’m scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love… it never seems to last.

☻ MY HEART BREAKS

I could fill a 1000 pages telling U how I feel, and still U would not understand.. So now I leave w/o a sound, except my
heart shattering as it hits the ground.

☻ A MILLION

A million words would not bring you back, I know, because I’ve tried. Neither would a million tears. I know, because I’ve
cried.

☻ SWEETEST THING

Once Upon a Time, Something happened to me. It was the sweetest thing that ever could be. It was a fantasy, a dream come true
it was the day I met you.

☻ FALL IN LOVE

People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again.

☻ CRYING FOR
I cry 4 the times U were almost mine. I cry 4 the memories I’ve left behind. I cry 4 the pain, the lost, the old, the new. I
cry 4 the times I thought I had U.

☻ CRAZY FOR YOU

I’m crazy for you. Touch me once and you’ll know it’s true, I never wanted anyone like this, it’s all brand new, you’ll feel
it in my kiss, I’m crazy for you.

☻ NOT TO FADE

Looking back on all these years, all the smiles and all the tears, I never want these memories to fade.

☻ YOU ARE THE ONE

You asked me who I liked and I said no one… but what I really meant was no one but you.

☻ SLEEP FOREVER

If the only possible way we can be together is in my dreams, then I’ll sleep forever.

☻ LOVE IS TO THINK

Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.

☻ IN LOVE WITH YOU

There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.

☻ SOMEONE ELSE

The hardest thing you’ll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.

☻ MASTERPIECE

God created men first, coz you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

☻ OUT OF MY CONTROL

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

☻ HEART TO CIRCLE

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.
☻ YOUR FUTURE

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t get on well in life until you let go of past
failures and heartaches.

☻ UNTIL IT’S GONE

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing
until it arrives.

☻ MEMORY LASTS FOREVER

A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to your wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

☻The sky is blue,grass is green,harder the fuck the
louder the scream,louder the scream the better the
fuck,give me a ring u might be in luck

☻Q:Who is stronger, Man Or Woman? A:A woman bcos she
lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2
stones with the help of a crane.

☻Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.
MOM:Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thng. SON:got
my nose in her armpit. Now what?

☻rooster&cat goin over bridge,cat slips&falls in
river.rooster cant stop laughin.wats D moral?whereva
therZ a wet pussy therZ a happy cock

☻LUV D WAY IT RUBS AGAINST D SOFT PINK FLESH N MAKES A
CREAMY FOAMY LIQUID AS IT THRUSTS IN&OUT,UP&DOWN,CAN`T
WAIT 4 NEXT TIME.LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH
☻Girl: Im like a radio,my mouth spkr,my left breast
tuner, right 1 volume. Man:Can I try?(touches d
breats)-no sound. Girl:U havent plugged in yet!

☻Nipple Nipple dont be far, can I press u in my car. Up
above the chest so high, always milky never dry. Let
me suck you, dont feel shy.

☻ IN LOVE WITH YOU

It is not being in love that makes me happy… but is being in love with YOU that makes me happy.

☻YOUR SMILE

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

☻ WHO YOU ARE

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

☻ I’M STILL ALIVE…

TaLk 2 me wHen i’m boReD, kiSS me wHen i’m saD, hug me wHen i cRy, caRe 4 me wHen i diE, loVe me When i’m sTill Alive…

☻ TRULY LOVE

It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love, much less to find someone who loves you as much. When the chance comes, don’t
ever let go.

☻ CHER|SH…

Cherish the person you love, never tell lies or attempt to hurt them because you won’t know how important they are until they
are out of your life…

☻POEM OR RHYME?

Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time…

☻ 2NITE WITH ME

A sMiLe tO pUt You On HiGh… A KisS To Set YoUr SouL ALriGhT… WouLd iT bE aLriGhT iF I spEnT ToNiTe BeiNg LovED bY YoU???

☻LOVE YOU

Never WasTe an OppOrtuniTy 2 sAy ‘I LoVe U’ to Someone u ReaLLy Like, Coz it is noT EvEryDaY u’ll mEEt tHe PerSoN WhO hAs tHe
MaGic 2 lEt u fAll iN love…

☻ TRUE LOVE

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

☻ If love were to be taxed,
I would be the highest tax payer.

☻you can’t buy Love… but you can pay heavily.

☻Common sense is common, but… the use of common sense is uncommon !!!!

☻Promises are like babies, easy to give hard to deliver.

☻You need Money to call someone Honey.

☻My girlfriend told me, I should be more Affectionate, so i got two Girlfriends.

☻We can see more Grafitti’s in girls toilet , WHY ?
Because their both hands are free.

☻Definitions :

Home : A place where you can scratch where it itches.

Doctor : A person who cures the ills by pills,
and kills by his bills.

LOVE : Loss Of Valuable Energy

WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever

☻ FRIENDS 4 LIFE

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is
impossible!

☻: FIRST SIGHT

FiRsT NiTe, FiRsT SiGhT, I SaW, I KnEw, LoVe’s SwEEtEr ThAn MoUnTaiN DeW, A pRoMiSe I mAdE and’ WiLL kEEp, 2 LoVe YOU aLwAys~

☻ VALUE OF LOVE

LovE is Not HoW LonG U’ve BeeN 2gEthEr; nOt HoW MucH U’ve GIvEn oR RecEivE; Not hOw MaNy TimEs U’ve HeLpEd EaCh OthEr — Its
HoW U VALUE EaCh OtHEr…

☻: STILL LOVING U

i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î’M ñOt hUrt. î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î’ll ßê okåY. î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry. í Stìll lovE
YOU ßût í’Vé tó SaY gooDbYê…

☻ NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DO

Don’t regret what you’ve did, but regret what you never did, go and say ‘I LOVE U’ to your loved one!

☻ LOVE IS SO CONFUSING

Love makes life so confusing but without love would you want to live?

☻ REALITY

Love Is When You Don’t Want To Go To Sleep, Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream.

☻WHY IS HE NOT MINE…

wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD. LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND. HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd. TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE…
sTiLL nOt mInE…

☻ NOT TOO YOUNG

No one is too young for love, because love doesn’t come from your mind, which knows your age, but from your heart, which
knows no age.

☻ I FOUND U

Love is like a cloud… love is like a dream… love is 1 word and everything in between… love is a fairytale come true… Coz I
found love when I found U.

☻ IT HURTS

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to
let them know how you feel.

☻ FORGET YOU

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget
someone.

☻ IT NEVER SEEMS TO LAST

I’m scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love… it never seems to last.

☻ FALL IN LOVE

People say you only fall in love once, but when I hear your voice I fall in love all over again

☻ LOVE IS TO THINK

Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself.

☻IN LOVE WITH YOU

There are times when I fall in love with someone new, but I always seem to find myself back in love with you.

☻: SOMEONE ELSE

The hardest thing you’ll ever do is watch the one u love, love someone else.

☻ OUT OF MY CONTROL

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

☻ HEART TO CIRCLE

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.

☻: WHO

I’d rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I’m not
☻ TRY TO FORGET
Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

☻ ADVICE ON LIVING

Dance like no one’s watching; sing like no one’s listening; love like you can’t get hurt, and live like there’s no tomorrow.

☻ QUICKSAND

LoVe iS LiKe QuiCkSanD - ThE DeEpEr yOu FaLL iN iT ThE HaRdeR iT iS tO GeT OuT.

☻ IN MY ARMS

You showed me how it is to be loved. Now I know what really love is. 1 day we will be together forever. I can’t wait to hold
you in my arms again.

☻ WHAT IS TRUE

There’s a warmth in my heart. It haunts me when U R gone. Mend me 2 ur side and never let go. The more I live The more I
know, wat’s simple is true, I love you.

☻ FLAME OF YOURS

I feel something in my heart, it’s like a little flame, every time I see you, this flame lights up, this flame is special for
you, because I LOVE YOU!

☻BRUSH MY TEETH
I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh.. and creates a creamy foamy liquid as it thrusts in and out, up and down… Can’t wait to brush my teeth

☻ RING
I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend’s hand, ‘Cause everytime she’d wipe her rear I’d see the promised land….

☻ DUMB
What is the dumbest part on a man’s body? The penis. It has a head with no brain, it hangs out with two nuts and it lives around the corner from an asshole!
☻3 GOOD MANNERS
3 good manners of male penis. 1)Courteous-it stands before performing. 2)Emotional-it cries during the performance. 3)Polite-it bows down after the performance.

☻MISTAKES
Learn from your parents’ mistakes - Use birth control!

☻ PICTURE
Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

☻MAN
Today, in style are small cars, watches, skirts and mobile-phones… It will come the time when SMALL PENIS will be in style, and then you will be the man!!!

☻ COCUNUT
What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a ‘C’ ends with a ‘T’ and has U’ and ‘N’ in the middle? Answer: ‘COCUNUT’

☻ SHOWTIME
Wat’s the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT’S SHOWTIME!
☻LEFT LEG, RIGHT LEG
What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

☻SEX MACHINE
When im dead and in my grave, no more pussy i will crave. And upon my headstone will be seen, here lies the bones of a f**king machine.

☻ SEX ON TEXT
Press down… down more… Ok more… YES ahh ohh yes… almost there… yeah oh shit harder… SO GOOD…! mmmmm… That’s how I sex on text!

☻ CARS
Man1: my wife is obsess w/ cars. While asleep, she holds my bird & say ‘Ferari,Porsche…’ Man2: mine is worst, she puts my bird inside her & say ‘Full Tank pls.’

☻ DEPRESSED
A girl asked, why cow seems depressed when being milked? Teacher: if every morning they rub yours 4 30 minutes and don’t f**k u, u will feel the same?

☻ BAR STOOL
How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar? Turn the bar stool upside down.

☻VIAGRA
CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION. As of May 2001 Viagra will only be available through chemists by its chemical name.So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN. Thank you

☻ WE CAN MULTIPLY
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract ur clothes, divide your legs and we can multiply!

☻ SNOW WHITE
*NEWSFLASH* Snow white had been chucked out of Disney Land. She was reported 2 hav pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio’s face and shouted, ‘LIE BASTARD LIE’

☻ GLOW IN THE DARK
I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark

☻ PENIS & BALLS
Penis & Balls arguing. Balls: Hey, U r very unfair! Everytime u go in u never bring us along, only u enjoy! Penis: Eh, U think its fun? I always keep vomiting!

☻ SAGGY BOOB
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support people are going to think we’re nuts!

☻ BLOW JOB
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary blow job!

☻ COVER ME
What did the Dick say to the Condom? ‘Cover me!!! I’m going in…’
☻ TITS DAIRY
I’d willingly fertilize Mary, And watch for 9 months her shape vary, From the very first day, To the child-birth display, When her tits would turn into a dairy.

☻Suspense how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? …………. ………… …tell you later !!!

☻SEX IS …
Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a man puts his location in a woman’s destination. Do u get my explanation, or do u need a demonstration?!
☻SEX
SEX is My Fav. I Do it regularly. Do it & Feel Gd! U’ll enjoy it! I’ll Die w/out SEX, S-Sleep, E-Eat, X-xercise, So do it everiday, gd for u.

☻SEX ON TEXT
Press down… down more… Ok more… YES ahh ohh yes… almost there… yeah oh shit harder… SO GOOD…! mmmmm… That’s how I sex on text!

☻YOU ARE WANTED
The Police are looking for a suspect who is smart, sexy, witty & very good looking… So where are you gonna hide Me?

☻TALKING DIRTY
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

☻LOVE AND SEX
Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!
 

☻GIVE ME ALL YOUR $$$
MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U

☻NIGHT PRAYER
Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can’t make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.

☻WHAT I NEED
I need a hug, I need touch, I need tender, I need a kiss, I need love, I need sex, I need you!

☻WRONG NUMBER
U’ve got SEX APPEAL … U’ve got INTELLIGENCE … U’ve got CLASS … U got da FACE, U got da BODY … I got the wrong number … SORRY

☻NO SEX !
There is Hot-sex, Fast-sex, Group-sex, Safe-sex, Leather-sex, Telephone-sex, and for people with your face …NO SEX !
 

☻PHONE ENGAGE
hey! what happen 2 your hp? tried calling alot of times. everytime i dial your no, operator kept sayin ‘THE SUBSCRIBER U CALLING IS HAVING SEX, PLS TRY LATER’

☻KENTUCKEY
A woman is like a kentuckey friedchicken, it has legs ,breasts and a greasy box to stick your bone in.
☻TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
Twinkle, twinkle little rectum bigcockscum when you least expect them, never mind the screams of passion whoop it up with doggy fashion.
☻OLD MAN
There was an old man from gosham,
who got out his bollocks to wash’em,
His wife said oh jack if you don’t put’em back,
i’ll stand on the bastards and squash em!!!(new)

☻ARSE ICONS
(_!_) Regular arse
(__!__) Fat arse
(!) Tight arse
(_*_) Sore arse
(_o_) Well used arse
(_e=mc2_) Smart arse
(_x_) Kiss my arse

☻FAMILY
your father had your mother,
your mother had your brother,
it’s just 2 bad your fathers mad and
your mothers now your lover

☻GUY PERIOD
If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!

☻DEMONSTRATION
Sex is when a guyscommunication enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation do you get the
nformation…or do you need a demonstration

☻SEX IS EVIL
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.

☻VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

☻GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

☻cOOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

☻HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face …
NO SEX !

☻WOMENS NEEDS
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,
mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed!
And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!

☻SICK LEAVE
A guycall into work and says: Boss Ican´tcome to work to day, I´m sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I´m fucking my sister how sick is that?

☻BRAND SEX
Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

☻VALANTINE
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?

☻F**KING MAFIA
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia…
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!

☻THE BUSH
When an apple is green it’s ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to fuck!
☻The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!

☻Luv is a sensation
Luv is a sensation dat iscaused by temptation,a boy puts his location in a girls destination,do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?

☻Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!

☻Equation
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract urclothes, divide your legs and wecan multiply!

☻Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!

☻Luv me tender
Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!

☻Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!

☻Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

☻Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!

☻Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!

☻£50 note tattood on yourcock
3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants

☻Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!

☻Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!

☻Cat & Rooster
cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!

☻Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!

☻Bonna
There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?

☻Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!

☻Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

☻How to satisfy a woman
HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

☻Life is like a dick
Life is like a dick! When it’s hard Fuck it!

☻Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

☻Love & War
LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i’ll blow the shit out of you!

☻Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!

☻Virginity is like a balloon
Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it’s gone forever!

☻Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!

☻The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!

☻Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, youcan’t stop!!

☻Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd woz a poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!

☻Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo

☻Baby Please
Of all the babes ur my selection,please dont giv me a rejection,my teeth areclean for ur inspection,so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

☻HOW MANY ANIMALScAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS?
10 little piggies,2calves,1 ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!

☻Sex+drugs+rock+rave
Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e’s,well get drunk & talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so fuck em all & lets get high!

☻Men like toilets
Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS
1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)deyconsume large amounts of liquid
5)rconstantlt full of shit!

☻Mary’s bush
Mary Mary, quitecontrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!

☻Horny
Roses are red, voilets arecorny, when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!
☻5 bad things to say to a naked guy
5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY
1)so dis explains urcar!
2)but still work,right?
3)r ucold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

☻Hickory, dickory, dock
Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz suckin mecock,daclock struck 2,i dumped me goo,& dropped her at da end of da block!

☻Mary had a little lamb
Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly dick got hard!

☻Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat her,smacked her twice around da head, F**ked her arse & went 2 bed!

☻Being a student
Being a student is so much fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my teacher in how tongues flex,we’ll both graduate in hot oral sex!

☻Down on her Knees
Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob in her gob,Wiv a tingle in his belly,his legs turn to jellycos shes doin a fuckin good job!

☻Cat and the Sausage
Acat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

☻Oral sex
Oral sexcan b so fine,wen u do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den ucum just like a river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!

☻Mary’s bike
Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time the wheels went round the spokes went up hercunt

☻Rhyme
a mans ocupation
is to stick hiscockulation
up a wommens ventulation to
increase the population of the
younger generation if u want a demonstation plz lie down!

☻NewsFlash
*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !

☻Nutella
I love when you stick your little fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.

☻U and the Pope
do u know what’s the diference between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the pope gets laid, it’s a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!!

☻Durex
Do you wan’t fun Do you wan’t sex Don’t forget durex

☻Old Days
in days of old wen knights were bold +condoms wernt invented they tied socks around theircocks + people like u were prevented.

☻Sex, Drugs + Birthcontrol
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so fuck the world
lets get high..
☻Kiss Me
Kiss’s r blown + kiss’s r wasted kiss’s rnt kiss’s unless they r tasted, kiss’s spread germz + germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!

☻How many letters
How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!
☻My Roof?
last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky…. then I thought where the fuck is my roof??
☻Foot and Mouth
mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got foot and mouth

☻Blondes
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

☻Operator
This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

☻Blonde Womens legs
what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don’t know they never met!

☻This Way Up
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻I love you
This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
i l
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!

☻Mary’s Lambs
Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and mouth and now they’re black andcrispy.

☻Sheep
Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your get us all shot.
☻Butter
Your teeth are so yellow, ican’t believe it’s not butter!!!

☻Condom factory
Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.

☻Yo Mama
Yo mama’s so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

☻Mary Stinks
Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!

☻Mary’s Duck
mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they would fuck!

☻Tampons
whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?….they r all stuck upcunts!

☻Sex is like Maths
sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs…
and MULTIPLY!

☻Suspense
how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? …………. ………… …tell you later !!!

☻Statistics
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

☻Farmer Joneshas
farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn’t life a drag?
coz they’re all burning in a field
he’s got no sheep to shag

☻Gary Gliter
*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15’s

☻Ba Ba White Sheep
ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

☻News Flash - Indian Earthquake
!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending … … … Replacements

☻Leather Heather
there was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

☻Little Miss Drugy
little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed.

☻Jack and Jill
Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big’n airy, Jill said “WOW WOT A WHOPPER let’s go home & DO IT PROPER

☻IRA
what do you do if a irish man through’s a pin at you … … you runcause he’s got a grenade in his mouth

☻Dear Mammy love annie
There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what’s a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it’s sick.
☻Cock Sucker Detecotor
This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone….. .. scanning….

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath…

cOCK SUCKER !!

☻Pink Vagina
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

☻Red Riding Hood
Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

☻Fuck for money
sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

☻Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!

☻5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!
☻Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

☻Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!

☻Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!

☻3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants

☻D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!

☻I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!

☻Cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!

☻There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?

☻Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!

☻I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

☻HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease, pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job
☻Life is like a dick! When it’s hard Fuck it!

☻Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

☻LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i’ll blow the shit out of you!

☻When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!

☻Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it’s gone forever!

☻There was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

☻little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and speed .

☻Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big’n airy, Jill said “WOW WOT A WHOPPER let’s go home & DO IT PROPER

☻what do you do if a irish man through’s a pin at you … … you runcause he’s got a grenade in his mouth

☻There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what’s a prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it’s sick.
☻What sexual position do you have to be in to make the most ugliest kid?…. ask your parents

☻What 2 things in the air can make a girl pregnant? HER FEET

☻A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says “can any1 make me feel like a woman b4 i die?” So a man takes off his clothes & says “iron these!”

☻Wots da closest thing to a womans period? ur salary! It cums once a month.lasts About 3 or 4 days & if it doesnt cum every1s in trouble!

☻Old chinese proverb says “man with erection walking through door sideways is always going to Bangkok”

☻Virginity is like a balloon one prick and it’s gone forever!

☻Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop you can’t stop!!
☻Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

☻Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

☻sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

☻ This sms can only be read by a SEXY person: Try again…… Nothing? Sorry, i guess your just not SEXY..HEY! dont force it,
ugly git!!

☻ RECIPE 4 LUV CAKE:spread legs,squeeze + massage milk pots,check frequently with midfinger,add banana,work in-out till well

☻ Yo mama’s so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.☻ Ive got a tongue that’ll blow ur mind let me hit u wid a 69 kiss
me, caress me, slowly undress me I may seem defenceless, but baby I can fuck u senseless.☻ Don’t be sad… don’t feel blue…
Frankenstein was ugly too…☻ Wat’s the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat
the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT’S SHOWTIME!☻ I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my
bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark☻ What did one saggy boob
say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support people are going to think we’re nuts!
☻ Why are women like parking spaces?… Bcoz the good ones are always taken and the rest are all disabled!☻ A girl phoned me
the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home☻ According 2 Chinese Docs, a WoMaN’S
BoDy HaS Five RooMS: 1.FACE-show room 2.BOOBS-play room 3.TUMMY-store room 4.VAGINA-men’s room 5.ANUS-emergency room

☻ Hi i’m an alien i’m checking for some chicks in your phonebook searching….. searching….. searching….. sorry no chicks
found. conclusion, your are gay!
☻ I once had a One2One with a virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me till my face went Orange, till busted my
Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻ Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor. All the kings horses & all the kings men, laid the slut
down & fucked her again!
☻Advantages of breast milk
A. No need to boli
B. Cat cannot steal
C.available in attractive containers
D.Liked by all age groups
E.Ek Par Ek FREE

☻23 useless things in a man’s body
20 nails cannot be hammered
2 balls u cannot throw
1 cock cannot crow
Don’t laugh gals ur pussy cannot catch mouse

☻Cocktail Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u slip in,Is it d rum dat
makes u cum!

☻Cat and the Sausage A cat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but falls in!
MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

☻ NEWSFLASH:) Earthquake in Pakistan…50,000 dead…U.S.A sending money, France sending food, Britain sending replacement
paki’s!!!☻ i went for a walk with my uncle jim, when somebody threw a tomato
at him, tomatos dont hurt i replied with a grin. they fucking well
do when theyre still in the tin…..☻ Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny,
well…Enough about ME! How about you?☻ Beat me bash me bite my bum, ill whip u strip u til u cum, suck me fuck me lick me out,
pull my nipples til i shout☻ Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don’t worry I don’t cry, I’m just happy that
cows can’t fly!☻ sex is a sensation. It’s about a man’s temtation, putting his location in a woman’s destination. Do you
understand the explanation or do you need a demonstration?☻ BOY : May I hold your hand ??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy☻ GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??

☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my
arse!!

☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk
into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will
be THE MAN!!

☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don’t get an erection but you look hard!

☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go
down on u.not even a network

☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery
day!
☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you
ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams……

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too…

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? …Okay, then can we just practice?

☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis………………………ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry…………..

☻Never let a man’s mind wander, it’s too little to be out on it’s own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv… another playing football and the third one was caught reading
this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading
this

☻Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! …
Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you… lick you… wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice
cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don’t spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next
morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you
is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don’t, you’ve told her twice already!

☻What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn’t Jesus eat M and M’s? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I’m home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don’t know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn’t take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻ I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

☻ Why’d the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool…

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

☻ It’s no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get you.

☻ You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists–they don’t expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

☻What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don’t men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don’t have any. 1

☻What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike…..
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

☻If you jogged backward … would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
“101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”

☻If you can’t change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that’s how dogs spend their lives.

☻I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a “double entendre” - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who
shot my paw.”

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her
clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo… 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught
reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: “I do.”

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading
this

☻Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! …
Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you…wanna feel you in my mouth…yep, tat’s how u…eat an ice
cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don’t spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next
morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you
is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears…

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I’ve used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who’s there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What’s the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip’s girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don’t, you’ve told her twice already!

☻What’s the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer’s disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I’m late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn’t come back for a day and a half.

☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who’s too drunk to follow orders.

☻I like Kids. But I don’t think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻What’s the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn’t Jesus eat M and M’s? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻What’s pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I’m home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don’t know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn’t take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

☻Why’d the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool…

☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

☻Q: What’s difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

☻Q: What’s diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying ‘Who’s there? Every time I knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There’s no need to cry, it’s only a joke.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s cold out here.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma’s gone?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that’s why I knocked.

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait….Searching….searching…still searching….sorry,NO BRAIN found…!☻I’M AN ALIEN. I
HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I’M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT
BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I
feel for you.

☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

☻FRIENDSHIP IS….
FRIENDSHIP isn’t how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!
☻NICE FRIENDS
A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams…
☻ PRICELESS GIFT
FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn’T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!

☻FRIENDSHIP TEST…
thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN’t cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe…

☻FRIENDS
True friends are like Diamonds… they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves… they are scattered everywhere.

☻F.U.C.K
REMEMBER: if u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz F.U.C.K stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever, & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!
☻SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED
If you need advice, text me… If you need a friend, call me… If you need me, come to me… If you need money… ……….. THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!

☻ COMPARE
FRIENDSHIP is like a tree… It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN…

☻FRIENDS 4 LIFE
Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!

☻COMPUTER
A good friend is like a computer; me ‘enter’ ur life, ’save’ u in my heart, ‘format’ ur problems, ’shift’ u 2 opportunities & never ‘delete’ u from my memory!

☻FRIENDS ALWAYS
In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You’ll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!

☻ANGEL FRIENDS
I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I’m surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.

☻ FRIENDSHIP
The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.

☻ NEVER SPLIT
I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again.

☻NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS
I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.

☻ WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U
EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U…

☻ BEHIND YOU
DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn’t SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall…

☻ NAKED
GUY: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy. GAL: If I see you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

☻ MAKING LOVE
After making love, wat r u tryin to say? I love u? Wrong! 1 more time? Wrong. U r so pretty?Wrong. I’m so tired? Wrong! The answer is tissue…tissue…plsss!!!

☻KISS
A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. what is a kiss without a tongue.

☻PAINTING
A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.

☻FALLING APART
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I’m afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.

☻HOME EARLY
1 day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

☻ NEVER LOSE ME!
We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!

☻BEST FREN
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

☻SHOOTING STARS
The times we shared is like shooting star… the time is short but really beautiful moments…. Forever engraved in our hearts…. Friends forever~!!!

☻ KEEPING A FRIEND
KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u… but in my HEART I swear I’m keeping U..

☻ PROMISE
We’ve known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that’s definitely a lifetime PROMISE!

☻FLOWER
If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I’ll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!

☻ A RING
A ring is round and has no end…. and that’s how long I’ll be your friend.

☻WONDERFUL FRIEND
There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!

☻WAT U SEE
Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!

☻ FATE 2B FRIENDS
A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us.

☻ WHAT YOU SAY
Everyone hears what you say… Friends listen to what you say… Best friends listen to what you don’t say…

☻ FRIENDSHIP MEANS…
I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha

☻ ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU…
Friends are like stars. You can’t always see them, But you know they are always there for you…

☻ LEAVING FOOTPRINTS
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

☻AS LONG AS….
As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.

☻ MY BRA
a gd friend is like a gd bra… hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, and always close to the heart….. HELLO MY GD BRA

☻ PRICETAGS
GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because….. if He did, I can’t afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!

☻OLD FRIENDS
Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us… i get BETTER, u get OLDER.

☻ PATH OF FRIENDSHIP
The sun is glazing, upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU!

☻ NIGHT PRAYER
Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can’t make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.

☻ABOUT ME
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, Spontaneous, Good Looking, Nice Friends, Charming, Funny, well… Enough about ME! How about you?

☻ GOOD TASTE
A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as ur FRIEND is a form of.. ehem GOOD TASTE!

☻ BE MY FRIEND
If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.

☻ RULES TO BE HAPPY
6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND

☻ FRIENDS
Time might lead me to nowhere; Fate might break me apart; I’ll always be thankful that once, along my life’s journey I found a friend like U…

☻KISS MY ASS
The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The morning dew may kiss the grass,But u my friend can kiss my ass!

☻RING
I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend’s hand, ‘Cause everytime she’d wipe her rear I’d see the promised land….

☻ FRIENDS LIKE HAIR
Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.

☻OUT OF MY CONTROL
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.

☻ MEMORY LASTS FOREVER
A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Gravity is studied a lot because it’s a very attractive field.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
Prison walls are never built to scale.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
When one is afflicted with loss of balance they never quite know vertigo.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
When women enter middle age, it gives men a pause.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A prisoner’s favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.
There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
Isn’t the
Grand Canyon just gorges?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Some people’s noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
Some musicians can be sharp, which is not natural.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in
Seine.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in
France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
There was a guy who was fired from the orange juice factory for lack of concentration.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical
Aleutian.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The church janitor was also the organist, and had to watch his keys and pews.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
He wears glasses during math because it improves divison.
The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged.
Suspenders are in their own support group.
A doctor drank while putting on patients’ casts. He was soon plastered.
Be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you.
He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.
When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
To some - marriage is a word … to others - a sentence.
If you give some managers an inch they think they’re a ruler.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don’t yell out Hi Jack!
The couple who met in a revolving door are still going round together.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
When the smog lifts in
Los Angeles, U C L A.
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
When asked by a passenger how high he would get, the pilot replied,’I don’t do drugs.’
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.
A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Ancient orators tended to
Babylon.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
Goats in
France are musical because they have french horns.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
The optician fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
The queen’s favourite chef was knighted Sir Loin.
When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t find a replacement of the right caliber.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
An illiterate fisherman was lost at c.
Local Area Network in
Australia: the LAN down under.
The Buddhist refused pain-killers during the root canal because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
When chemists die, we barium.

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n
then.. I laugh again.. hahaha
☻ HEARTBREAKS

Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and Cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive
heartbreaks but to learn from them.
☻ KNOWING YOURSELF

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

☻ WHO YOU TRUST

There’s always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who
you trust next time around.
☻YOUR SMILE

Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
☻ YOU CAN’T…

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.
☻ BEAUTIFUL MOON

I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful… I look at you.. I.. I… I’d rather look at the moon again..
☻ TYPE OF EGGS

There r 6 types eggs. Chicken egg = ji dan, Duck egg = ya dan, Bomb = zha dan, Person readin dis = hun dan, if u r smilin nw
= chun dan & if angry = ben dan.
☻ VALUE OF LIFE

The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this Earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to
the people we care about.
☻ MEN!

Mental anxiety, Mental breakdowns, Menstrual cramps, Menopause… Did you ever notice how all problems begin with MEN!
☻ GRATEFUL

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will
know how to be grateful.
☻ WASTING YOUR TIME

Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.

There are still a few things free in this world, and one of them is a good laugh. I believe this small attempt to find, sort & present a little bag of humor, will get a smile on your face or a tickle to your friend. I will be happy if you can share such moments here in the comments.

P.S.

This is a basic version of the site I am building. I am sorting more jokes and creating more categories with the help of your response to this site . I will update you soon with more information which, I am sure will give you more fun.

Happy texting