Do you believe in love at first sight…or do I have to walk by again?

There’s a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!

I’m not Fred Flintstone but i can make your bedrock!

Wanna play Pearl Harbor?…

….That’s where I lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

Hey let’s go fuck and do the talking later.

Girl, how long have you been in the oven, cause I know I felt something rising.

Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

Here’s 10p ring home and tell your mum that you wont be coming home tonight!

I’m new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?

Your daddy must have been a hunter because you’re a fox!

Hey, is your dad a terrorist? Cos baby, you’re the bomb!

Do you want to go and do what I’m going to tell my mates we did anyway?

I looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed

I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

Is it hot in here or is it you?

Fuck me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.

How about you sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

I hope you know CPR, ’cause you take my breath away.

My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Get your coat love, you’ve pulled.

I didn’t believe in angels until I meet you!

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming

Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

Hi, my name’s Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?

Have you ever been to the moon ? no ! sit on my rocket and I will take you there

If its cash your after drop your drawers and the moneys yours

Was you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard.

Can you fix watches? Then put 2 hands on that!

I’m like Domino’s Pizza, if you don’t come in 30 minutes the next one is free…

You’re like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can’t stop you!

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

Do you like jewelry? Suck this, it’s a gem!

You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

do u believe in love at first site or do i have to walk by again

if i said u had a hot body would u hold it against me

My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any underwear! Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.

”r ur legs tired”? coz uve been runnin through my mined all day

There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?

if i cood re arrange da alphabet i wood put u and i together

ive lost my teddy bear…….do u want to sleep with me tonight?

is youre father a robber ? well who stole the stars and put them in ure eyes ?

U gotta B a parking ticket or something coz u got the word FINE written All over ya!

im no fred flintstone but i’ll make ur bedrock

☻BLINKING STARS
FreNz r 4-evER liKE E starS taT kePt blinkin In E sky. THoUgh we MighT b Far Apart.. BUt I noE taT u r Still Near 2 Me WhnEveR I look up… Gd nite N sleep TiTE

☻ TIME TO SLEEP
LyinG oN mY BeD, LoOkiN @ ThE CloCk, I nOe tAt iTs timE 2 zzz. I WonDeR HoW hAv U bEEn todaY… HopE Tat EveryTHinG is FInE.. WiSh u sweeT dReaMz n Sleep TiGhT!

☻ MORNING GREETING
Morning greetings doesn’t only mean saying Gd Morning, it has asilent message saying: I remember you when I wake up! Have a nice day!

☻ MORNING GIFT
Receive my simple gift of ‘GOOD MORNING’ wrapped with sincerity, tied with care and sealed with a prayer to keep u safe and happy all day long! Take Care!

☻ GOOD MORNING
A night hug warms the heart, a night kiss brightens the day, and a good morning to start your day!

☻ NITE HAS END…Nite has end for another day, morning has come in a special way. May you smile like the sunny rays and leaves your worries at the blue blue bay.
 

☻ THINGS TO NOTE B4 SLEEPING
ThinGs 2 TaKe NoTe WheN u SleeP: 1st-MiSS Me, 2nd-ThInk oF Me, 3rd-HuG Me, 4th-LoVE mE. TrY 2 SlEEp NoW & ClOSe Ur EyeS. Get PrePaReD 2 DrEaM oF mE! Gd NiTe!
 

☻ HELLO
The Word ‘Hello’ means H=How R U? E=Everything all right? L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon. O=Obviously, I miss you!

☻: I PRAY 4 YOU
In tis lovely nite, I pray 2 the blue moon 2 protect U thru the nite, the wind 2 blow away ur stress N the twinkle stars 2 guide U the way, sweet dreams Gd Nite

☻ GOOD MORNING
The sun rises into the sky with the warmest smile, he wishes you a good morning, hoping that you have the perfect day. Take care & miss you.

☻ NO MATTER
No matter the sky is black or blue, no matter there’s stars or moon, as long as ur heart is true, sweet dreams will always be wif u. Gd Nite!
 

☻ TIME 4 BED
da starz r out, da moon is up, 1 more HUG, 1 more smile, KISS u once, KISS u twice, now itz time 4 bed. Close ur @@, n sleep tite!

☻ I CARE MOST
I was looking out the windows thinking about the person I care most & the person that came into my mind is U so juz wanna wish u good nite…….

☻ STARS LIGHT
Stars light Stars bright u’re the only Star I see tonite. I wish I may. I wish I might be there guarding ur dreams tonite, gd nite sweet dreams

☻ NICE FRIENDS
A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams…

☻ WASH UP
Wash your face and wash your feet! Now itz time 2 fall asleep. Yours eyes are weak N mouth can’t speak so hope tis nite shall b nice and sweet. Good Nite.

☻ COLD COLD NITE
On this cold cold nite,in My small small rOOm,i Look At The Brite Brite StArS iN tHe DaRk DaRk sKy & DrEaM of uR sWeet sWeet SmiLe on ur CuTe CuTe FaCe! GdNiTe!

☻ WINDOWS OF SOUL
Tireness draws across the mind making the body fade flexibility n soon windows of soul begin 2 close N enter the dreamland! OYASUMINASAI! Sweet Dreams!

☻SOUL BACK FROM DREAMLAND
Your soul came back from dreamland reunited with a sleeping senseless piece of yourself slowly open ur eyes realise its a brand new day. Good Morning.

☻ DRACULA KISS
As u go 2 bed 2nite, I ordered bats 2 guard u tight. I told some ghosts to dance in white, & 2 make sure u r alryt, i’LL ask dracula 2 kiss ur neck goodnight..

☻ LAZY BONE WAKE UP!
The sun has once brought brightness to earth! lazy bone. it’s time 2 wake up gd morning…

☻ AS NITE FALLS
As nite falls upon the land, it is time 2 Zz again. With the moon hangin in the starlit sky, i’m here 2 wish U NiteNite! Sweet dreams, cover blanket tight tight

☻ THE SUN HAD RISED
The sun had rised from the east & birds r singing happily & butterflies R around the flowers. It is time to wake up & give a big yawning & say gd morning to u..

☻ SOMEWHERE OUT THERE
somewhere out there beneath the pale moon light someone thinkin of u somewhere out there where dreams come true… nitenite & sweet dreams 2 u

☻ MASTER OF PUPPETS

Master of puppets is pulling ur strings, twisting ur mind n smashing ur dreams. blinded by me, u can’t c a thing when i count to 3 u shall fall asleep 1,2,3,Zzz

☻Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHERE HER HUSBAND IS EVERY NIGHT?

A. WIDOW

☻Q. WHY AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMEELA ANDERSON?

A. COZ PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.
☻Q. WHAT DOES 98 STAND FOR IN WINDOWS 98?

A. IT STANDS FOR NUMBER OF TIMES IT HANGS IN A DAY.

☻Q. WHY DID BANTA SINGH TAKE HIS PREGNANT WIFE TO PIZZA CORNER?

A. FOR FREE DELIVERY.

☻Q. WHY DID SANTA SING TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES WHILE WRITING EXAMS?

A. COZ IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE PAPER”ANSWER IN BRIEF.

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS?

A. A COUPLE ADOPTING A CHILD.

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF POSSESSIVENESS?

a. constiPATION.

☻Q. HOW WOULD YOU IDENTIFY BANTA SINGH IN A SUBMARINE?

A. HE WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WITH A PARACHUTE TIED TO HIS BACK.

☻q. what would you call a sardar with just one hair on his head?

a. iqbal singh.

☻Q. HOW TO MAKE TTK LAUGH ON SUNDAY?

A. BY TELLING HER A JOKE ON THURSDAY.

ONCE A NUN GOES FOR A URINE EXAMINATION AND THE SAMPLES GET MIXED UP. the report indicates she is pregnant. WHEN SHE GETS THE REPORT, SHE EXCLAIMS, “OH JESUS!! NOW WE CAN NOT EVEN RELY ON CANDLES”

☻Q. WHAT DID BANTA SINGH SAY WHEN HE SAW A BANANA PEEL?

A. “OH! I AM GOING TO SLIP AGAIN.

☻Wot’s the best thing about babies ?
MAKING THEM !

☻If i guard you with my life,
Will u be my wife ?

☻Girls are like roads,
More the curves,
More the dangerous they are.

☻Love is Photogenic,
it needs darkness to develop.

☻Messages are given to
Those who are apart
But what shall i give
When you are in my heart.

☻Q. WHICH IS THE SHORTEST JOKE?

A. SANTA SINGH AND BANTA SINGH PLAYING CHESS.

☻Q. WHICH BROTHER OF KALIDAS MAKES SHOES?

A. ADIDAS

☻if ur askin if id hurt u da ansa is nevaif ur askin if i luv u da ansa is 4eva.if ur askin if i want u da ansa is i do.if ur askin wot i value most da ansa is u

☻If luvs a disease den im very ill.but i dont want medicine i wont take no pill.i will suffer dis illness cos it makes me see exactly how much u mean 2 me!

☻If i were a tear in ur eye i wood roll down onto ur lips.But if u were a tear in my eye i wood never cry as i wood be afraid 2 lose u!

☻If Love & Friendship could be brought or sold as if they were Stocks & Shares.those wise enough to invest in you SEXY would all be millionaires!!!
☻If water was a kiss id send u the sea.if a hug was 1 leaf id send u a tree if luv were forever id send u eternity!
☻If i rote ur name in d sky wind wood blow it away.if i rote ur name in d sea waves wood wash it away.But ur name is engravd in my heart where nothin can touch it!

☻if u love me like u told me please be careful wiv my heart- u can take it jus dont break it or my world will fall appart

☻If a kiss was a raindrop i’d send u showers.if a hug was a second i’d send u hours.if a smile was water i’d send u a sea.if love was a person i’d send u me!

☻i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 - distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

☻I’m @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

☻im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me “possession of good looks”.i’m doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out-so hurry up!
 

☻Q : Why does Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
A : Cause Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend

☻Q : How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A : He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride

☻Q : What did Clinton say to Gore about the whole affair?
A : Pardon me

☻News item: Mike McCurry, the President s Press Secretary, has just resigned. He could no longer keep a straight face
☻Q : What was yesterday’s Washington Post Headline?
A : Bush Beats Clinton

☻Q : Why was Monica Lewinsky transferred from the White House to the Pentagon?
A : She was traded for two brunettes and a redhead to be named later.

☻”One thing’s for sure about Clinton…
He sure doesn’t neglect domestic affairs!”

☻Q : What do stylish frogs wear?
A : Jumpsuits!

☻Q : What did the frog order at McDonald’s?
A : French flies and a diet Croak

☻Q : How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A : Unhoppy

☻Q : What goes, 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump &
A : A centipede with a wooden leg

☻Doctor, I can t stop behaving like a dog.
How long have you been acting this way?
Since I was a puppy!

☻Two snakes meet each other..
First snake:I hope I am not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake:Because I bit my lip!

☻Q : What do you get from a pampered cow?
A : Spoiled milk.

☻What kind of work does a weak cat do?
A : Light mouse work

☻Q : How do you identify a bald eagle?
A : All his feathers are combed over to one side

☻How do you circumcise a whale?
A : You need at least four skin divers
☻When geese fly in a “V”, why is one side longer?
Because there are more geese on that side

☻Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work

☻What did the turkey say to the chicken?
Gobble gobble

☻Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they’d break

☻Which side of the chicken has he most feathers?
The outside

☻I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

☻This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

☻Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!
☻I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

☻Those innocent eyes… Those kissable lips… A great smile… The perfect walk… Smoothest talk… Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

☻You’re Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!
☻Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!

☻Ure so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber.oh damn im sorry i have the wrong number

☻REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog!

☻3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like 2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen ur cat chases after birds!

☻Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1 a better model cums on the market!

☻Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on accessories for dem!

☻Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of crap

☻5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

☻There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

☻Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone
you’ve never met and say, “Come on, we’re leaving.”

☻You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

☻You know, you’re very easy on the eyes…and very hard on my erection.

☻Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes?

☻Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?

☻You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk
off in your shadow.

☻Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain’t 3.5 inches and it sure ain’t floppy.

☻What’s a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

☻Will you be my Xmas cracker? I’d really like to pull you.

☻Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

☻You are a 9.999. Well, you’d be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

☻You’re good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?

☻Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I’ve ever saw.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Baicarumba…are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

(more…)

☻Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

☻Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

☻Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: “noh ss!w !”. it didn’t make much sense until i read it upside down…

☻MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS
START WITH MEN??

☻A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly
I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

☻HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*

☻Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I’d pick U coz
it’s better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

☻if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!

☻I have the “I”.I have the “L”.I have the “O”.I have the “V”.I have the “E”… so pls
☻Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

☻Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this
message I have been having sex with your thumb!

☻This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat!
NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

☻Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?

☻You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

☻Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don’t have the film.

☻You’re about as good lookin as a cross between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..

☻You! Off my planet!

☻I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted
too much.

☻Why don’t you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.

☻I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

☻You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They’d all like to throw you down one…

☻Somebody said to me that you ain’t fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

☻I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception

☻I hear you’re connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs…

☻See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

☻Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?

☻Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!

☻You’re the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.

☻I’d like to leave you with one thought…unfortunately I ain’t sure you have anywhere to put it!

☻Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.

☻Sure, I’d love to help you out…now, which way did you come in?

☻Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?

☻When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?

☻You’re so bent you make roundabouts look straight!

☻I’ve seen better hands on a leper!

☻This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

☻You’ve got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

☻I’ve come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

☻You’re a habit I’d like to kick — with both feet.

☻So now we know why some mammals eat their children…

☻The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

☻He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

☻She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

☻For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells

☻Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

☻An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

☻Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

☻He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

☻When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

☻Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

☻He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

☻What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

☻Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

☻His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

☻There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger

☻He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown

☻A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams

☻If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

☻God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien

☻She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

☻If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman

☻Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields

☻He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

☻Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman

☻Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles

☻Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

☻The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

☻I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan

☻He’s proof that there’s life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

☻A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

☻Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

☻He’s a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.

☻Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

☻One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

☻Not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree

☻A donut short of being a cop

☻A few feathers short of a whole duck.

☻From the British Army? Are you sure you’re not from the Salvation Army?

☻Which village is missing its idiot?.

☻A Titanic intellect … In a world full of icebergs

☻A few clowns short of a circus

☻A few beads short in her rosary.

☻As a failure, you are a great success.

☻You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

☻As bright as Alaska in December.

☻He’s several sausages short of a barbecue. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

☻He’s so dense, light bends around him

☻She’s one tit short of an udder

☻He’ll be doing joined up writing next

☻Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?

☻He’s a day late and a dollar short.

☻All Preparation, no H

☻College letters other than I.O.U

☻The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t anywhere in sight

☻You should request a refund from your university.

☻Who’s several apples short of a bunch?

☻Whose doughnut is out of jam?

☻Sure, I’ve seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission…

☻Hi there, I’m a human being! What are you?

☻I’ve seen more life in a down and out’s vest.

☻You’re red shirt goes well with your eyes…

☻Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.

☻Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?

☻Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

☻Folk clap when they see you…but they clap their hands over their eyes.

☻You’re about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder

☻All day I thought of you….I was at the zoo.

☻I’d love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can’t count that high.

☻You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

☻He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe

☻Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

☻Them: Here’s 10p - go and tell your mum you’re not coming home
You:Here’s a pound - go and buy yourself some breath freshener

☻Haven’t I seen your face before - on a police poster?
Look who’s talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to
get out.

☻I think the sun shines out of your arse.
Well, you’re living proof that even a turd can be polished.

☻Let’s be honest with each other . . . we’ve both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you’re right. Let’s go and pull some girls.

☻Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

☻Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing

☻Don’t let you mind wander - it’s far too small to be let out on its own

☻He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” - but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words

☻I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works

☻Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop

☻Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo

☻If your face had “Welcome” written on it, it would make a perfect doormat

☻If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in

☻Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.

☻Your face is such a mess, why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?

☻Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut

☻Your face doesn’t look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going

☻Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails

☻If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn’t say Hi to folk, I’d say BOO!

☻You’ve got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.

☻You got a face only a mother could love…unfortunately she too hates it!

☻I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

☻Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

☻Sure, I’d love to help you out…now, which way did you come in?

☻Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn’t have given you worse advice…

☻I heard you were so cool that you began teaching remedial classes at Cucumber college.

☻Well, they do say opposites attact…so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest,
intelligent, and cultured.

☻I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

☻Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.

☻You started at the bottom…and it’s been downhill ever since!

☻I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

☻Is your name Maple Syrup? - Well, it damn well should be, you sap!

☻I know what sign you were born under…’RED LIGHT DISTRICT’

☻4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN
dogs obey wen u shout @ dem
dogs dont shop
u can giv away ur dogs children
any guy can get a good lookin dog!

☻Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no
beauty..so the world needs YOU after all!

☻This sms can only be read by someone SEXY
try again
again
maybe you are
just not sexy?
one more time
hey don’t force it ugly!!!

☻I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful… I look at you.. I.. I’d rather look at the moon again..

☻As you go through life you are going to have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Take advantage of
all of them.

☻Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not…

☻My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you really messed up my life…

☻Roses r red, violets r blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are u.
But da roses r wilting, da violets r dead, da sugar bowl’s empty and so is ur head!

☻ Do I look like a damn people person?

☻This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting

☻Haven’t I seen your face before - on a police poster?

☻Look who’s talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets:
one to get in and another to get out.

☻I think the sun shines out of your arse.

☻Well, you’re living proof that even a turd can be polished.

☻Let’s be honest with each other . . .
we’ve both come here for the same reasons.

☻Yes, you’re right. Let’s go and pull some girls.

☻Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

☻Brains aren’t everything.
In fact in your case they’re nothing

☻Don’t let you mind wander
- it’s far too small to be let out on its own

☻He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” -
but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words

☻I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works

☻Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop

☻If your face had “Welcome” written on it,
it would make a perfect doormat

☻If you put your face by a door,
no one would ever come in

☻Your face is such a mess,
when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.

☻Your face is such a mess,
why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?

☻Them: Here’s 10p - go and tell your mum you’re not coming home
You: Here’s a pound - go and buy yourself some breath freshener

☻Them: I never forget a face
You: Neither do I but in your case I’ll make an exception

☻Haven’t I seen your face before - on a police poster?

☻Look who’s talking - I bet when you go to the zoo you have to buy two tickets: one to get in and another to
get out.

☻I think the sun shines out of your arse.
Well, you’re living proof that even a turd can be polished.

☻Let’s be honest with each other . . . we’ve both come here for the same reasons.
Yes, you’re right. Let’s go and pull some girls.

☻Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

☻Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing

☻Don’t let you mind wander - it’s far too small to be let out on its own

☻He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear” - but then again he doesn’t know the meaning of most words

☻I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works

☻Your face looks like you’ve been using it as a doorstop
Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo

☻If your face had “Welcome” written on it, it would make a perfect doormat

☻If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in

☻Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don’t you make sure the pool has water in next time.

☻Your face is such a mess, why don’t you get your dog something different to chew on ?
Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut

☻Your face doesn’t look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going

☻Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails

☻I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

☻You’re about as subtle as a gynecologist wearing a gas mask and a hair net.

☻You’re about as challenging as stealing candy from a bi-polar baby in a bell-jar.

☻Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

☻May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!

☻Are you typing with your forehead, again?

☻He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

☻Cigarette, A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

☻A rose by any other name still has thorns.

☻There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

☻Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

☻Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

☻Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

☻There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

☻He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

☻You are proof that God has a sense of humor.

☻He dips Sparrows in Peroxide and sells them as Canaries.

☻His idea of a practical joke is to go into the Home for the Blind and flatten out all the Braille.

☻A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

☻People like him don’t just grow on trees - they swing from them

☻When he dies, they’ll bury him face down, so that he can see where he’s going.

☻He campaigned to have the only Bar in his town closed. When it did, he moved away.

☻He’ll take off his jacket and put it on the seat next to him on the train, just to stop a pregnant lady
from sitting down.

☻He folds his newspaper on the bus so that the guy sitting across from him has to read the news upside down.

☻You couldn’t warn to him even if you were both cremated together.

☻We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.

☻You get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing you luck, beating around the bush, and dodging
the issue.

☻Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.

☻He would throw a drowning man both ends of the rope just to see the look on his face.

☻People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than
motorcycle gangs.

☻Get a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the
rest of the world is up to.

☻I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

☻You’re about as subtle as a gynecologist wearing a gas mask and a hair net.

☻You’re about as challenging as stealing candy from a bi-polar baby in a bell-jar.

☻Peanut prizes inspire monkey contestants.

☻May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!

☻Are you typing with your forehead, again?

☻He who laughs last has no sense of humor.

☻Cigarette, A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.

☻A rose by any other name still has thorns.

☻There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

☻Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

☻Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.

☻Never deprive someone of hope - it may be all they have.

☻There you go again, flushing the sweet milk of human kindness through the U-bend of cynicism.

☻He has no equal. Everyone else is better.

☻You are proof that God has a sense of humor.

☻He dips Sparrows in Peroxide and sells them as Canaries.

☻His idea of a practical joke is to go into the Home for the Blind and flatten out all the Braille.

☻A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

☻People like him don’t just grow on trees - they swing from them

☻When he dies, they’ll bury him face down, so that he can see where he’s going.

☻He campaigned to have the only Bar in his town closed. When it did, he moved away.

☻He’ll take off his jacket and put it on the seat next to him on the train, just to stop a pregnant lady
from sitting down.

☻He folds his newspaper on the bus so that the guy sitting across from him has to read the news upside down.

☻You couldn’t warn to him even if you were both cremated together.

☻We have strange and wonderful relationship. You’re strange and I’m wonderful.
☻Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

☻For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

☻He’s so full of shit, his eyes are brown.

☻He’s running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

☻You’re so weak, you couldn’t knock a sick whore off a shit pot.

☻Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?!

☻Get your mind out of the gutter - it’s blocking my view.

☻If you can laugh at yourself, you’ve got a really sick sense of humor.

☻Mother Nature is a supreme bitch.

☻Is that a comeback? For fuck’s sake, I wipe my ass with sharper stuff than this.

☻He fashions himself as an Insult Samurai. Insult Kamikaze is more apt.

☻Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

☻You get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing you luck, beating around the bush, and dodging
the issue.

☻Gravity doesn’t exist. Earth sucks.

☻He would throw a drowning man both ends of the rope just to see the look on his face.

☻People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than
motorcycle gangs.

☻Get a glass belly button, so when your head is real far up your butt, you can look out and see what the
rest of the world is up to

☻Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

☻Why don’t you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride?

☻He’s sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

☻He’s got a head balder than a baby’s arse.

☻He’s got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

☻He’s got a nose like a blind carpenter’s thumb.

☻As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

☻She’s angrier than a Bear with a sore head

☻She’s dressed up like a Dogs dinner

☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

☻He’s that useless he couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery

☻She’s been up and down more times than a whore’s drawers

☻She’s been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter’s Lodge.

☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat ☻It’s colder than a penguin’s bollocks

☻She’s got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

☻You’ve got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

☻She’s had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

☻As rare as a Blonde virgin

☻I’ve seen more hair on a billiard ball

☻He’s as camp as a row of tents

☻You could park a bike on that bum

☻He’s as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

☻He’s got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White’s knickers

☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

☻They’ve got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

☻I’ve seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

☻They call her ‘The radio station’ cuz she’s so easy to pick up

☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

☻She’s more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

☻She’s stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

☻About as interesting as watching paint dry

☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard ☻I’ve seen better hands on a clock

☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

☻He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

☻Lights on, door open, nobody at home

☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

☻He’s as bent as a butchers hook

☻He’s as happy as a Pig in $hit

☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

☻About as subtle as a flying brick

☻She’s got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

☻She’s got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

☻She’s seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

☻She’s as fit as a butchers dog

☻She’s got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

☻This guy is all foam, no beer.

☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

☻A legend in his own mind…

☻He’s an expert on padded cells.

☻He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!

☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

☻As rare as a brass monkey’s bollocks

☻Do you notice how I’ve kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see…all spotty

☻Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I’m going to mine.

☻Man: So, what’s your sign?
Woman: No Entry
☻Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

☻Friend: I’ve just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed…

☻Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

☻Friend: I’ve changed my mind…
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?

☻Hey, I may be fat, but you’ll always be ugly, and I can diet.

☻Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

☻Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

☻Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me…I said, You Look fat in those pants.

☻Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking…for a Gorilla, that is…

☻Boss: Employees like that don’t grow on trees you know…
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them…

☻Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It’s called Soap - don’t think you’ve ever smelt it before…

☻Man: Say, haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

☻Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you’re dead right…I want you to go away!

☻Wife: Darling, do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes

☻Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought

☻Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here…

☻You know, I’ve been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don’t count…

☻How many people work in your office?
About half of them

☻Brother: I love biscuits
You: That’s cuz your crackers

☻You: I reckon you’d make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

☻Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a Female Impersonator.

☻Man: Hey there, haven’t I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up…Press Down…!

☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly…well enough about ME! How are you?

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
… No Strings attached
…but for a limited period ONLY!
…A bloody good deal!

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my
Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin…so where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you’re too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start
jumping on it. Thank you

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

☻Why’d they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated…calibration complete, now searching…..still searching….still searching……sorry, no
friends found.
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I’ll tel U l8r.

☻Press down..More…Ok more…WOW yes ahh ohh yes….almost there….oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD…oh goddd!…That’s how I sex on
text!

☻I went to ur house justnow - can’t enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Always remember you’re unique - just like everyone else.

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

☻Don’t feel sad…don’t feel blue…Frankenstein was ugly too…

☻U got Sex Appeal…U got Class…U got Moves…U got da Face, da Body….shit…I got wrong number…SORRY

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

☻Nope…..u still ugly!

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.

☻Bride’s Dad hands a note to the groom: ‘GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.’ Groom gave another note back to father:
‘CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.’

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back…! Nice Ass.

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

☻It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻You are here: X

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that’s the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel
your Nob to the car cuz it’s too heavy.

☻Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻Jesus loves you…everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don’t start anything.

☻Am I getting smart with you? ….How would you know?

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin ‘Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex,
Please try again later.’

☻Bloke calls work : “Boss, cannae come in tae work. I’m sick”
Boss asks: “How sick are u?”
Bloke: “I’m F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???”

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that’s between!

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

☻When an apple is green, it’s ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she’s ready to ..WOOPS…wrong number….

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbor … what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

☻I might be in the basement. I’ll go upstairs and check.

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

☻Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

☻Is somebody not editing what I’m saying here???

☻Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

☻If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

☻If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

☻Mind intentionally left blank…

☻I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

☻Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.

☻If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

☻Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I’ve forgotten this before.

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

☻The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

☻Born Free……..Taxed to Death.

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait…searching…searching…still searching…sorry NO BRAIN found

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now…wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain…leaving now…

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’

☻Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

☻Celibacy is not hereditary
☻Familiarity breeds children
☻Life is sexually transmitted
☻We do precision guesswork
☻Born free . . . Taxed to death
☻If it’s too loud, you’re too old
☻Common sense isn’t common
☻Nothing succeeds like excess
☻Do pilots take crash-courses?
☻If it ain’t broke, fix it until it is
☻The older I get, the older old is
☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
☻A closed mouth gathers no feet
☻Do witches run spell checkers?
☻I don’t get even . . . . . I get odder
☻Allow me to introduce my selves
☻A feature is a bug with seniority
☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?
☻Justice: A decision in your favor
☻Strip mining prevents forest fires
☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind
☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed
☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
☻Today’s subliminal message is . . .
☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me…are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I’m new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I’ve got the ship, you’ve got the harbour … what say we tie up for the night?

☻I’ve just moved you to the top of my ‘to do’ list.

☻If you don’t wanna have kids with me, then why don’t we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It’s gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion
☻If it ain’t chocolate, it ain’t dessert
☻I don’t work here. I’m a consultant
☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
☻The best things in life aren’t things
☻I like feminists; I think they’re cute
☻I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable
☻Does killing time damage eternity?
☻How can there be self-help groups?
☻”Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy
☻BIGAMIST — A heavy fog in Italy
☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
☻Guilt — the gift that keeps on giving
☻Exceptions always outnumber rules
☻Adults are just kids who owe money
☻All stressed out and no one to choke
☻Constipated people don’t give a crap
☻I may not be perfect, but I’m all I got

☻Where there’s a will, I want to be in it
☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
☻Never miss a good chance to shut up
☻All computers wait at the same speed
☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation
☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s hand grenades I throw
☻I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
☻I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier
☻When money talks, the criminal walks
☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?
☻How come night falls but day breaks?
☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?
☻If we quit voting will they all go away?
☻Is it time for your medication or mine?
☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
☻I’m not getting older…I’m getting bitter
☻When all else fails manipulate the data
☻I’m as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!

☻Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature

☻All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!

☻if barbie is so popular….then y do u have 2 buy her friends?

☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I’m not a quitter!

☻I intend to live forever- so far so good

☻Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!
☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

☻Q : What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A : Far-from-thinking

☻What’s brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who’s been telling one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn’t find the recipe.

☻Q : Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A : They keep breaking them with the hammers.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She tripped on the cordless phone

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Leo

☻If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Q : What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A : She slipped off and fell down the drain

☻Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night

☻Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said “concentrate”

☻What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring

☻Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don’t mind their own business? No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, “Tokyo Disneyland Left”, so
they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it☻Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw “911″ and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier……….

☻Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

☻Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don’t have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they’ve no idea of the route.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter’s trap, chewed off it’s 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

☻Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

☻Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

☻It’s with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.
She tried putting batteries in it.

☻To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with ‘Please turn over’ scribbled on both sides.

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.

☻Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It’s with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains….yes, her husband
just died.

☻Q: What’s brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who’s been tellin one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Q: Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn’t find the recipe.
☻Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on ‘Daddddyyy’

☻Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

☻Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.

☻Q: What’s five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.

☻Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.

☻Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: “Oh, only Six I think - I’d never manage to eat all 12 pieces.”

☻Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.

☻Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.

☻Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

☻Q : Why are blonde jokes so short?
A : So men can remember them.

☻Q : Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
A : Because they can understand them

☻Q : How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
A : Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻Q : What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A : They’re both empty from the neck up.

☻Q : Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A : From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”

☻Q : Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A : So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills

☻Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.

☻Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

☻Q: Why are blondes hurt by people’s words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - “Cockll-doodlle-doooooo”, while a blonde shouts, “Any-cock’ll-doooo.”

☻Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.

☻Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: “Thanks, guys!”.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There’s fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only ‘had’ Ten Thousand men.

☻Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

☻Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she’d given her last Blow job.

☻Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

☻Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit

☻Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: “Great Tits!!!”

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she’s been laid all over the country.

☻Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.

☻Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don’t mind if you bring friends.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she’ll be ready to blow.

☻Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

☻Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: No idea mate. I’m already long gone….

☻Q: What’s a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

☻Q: Why did they call the blonde “twinkie”?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.

☻Q: In a Blonde’s mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

☻Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won’t shit on the street during a rally.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One’s a bunch a cunning runts.

☻Q: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

☻Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.

☻Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

☻Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde’s favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen

☻Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

☻Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

☻Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.

☻Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they’re fucked.

☻45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

☻Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.

☻Q: How can you tell who is a blonde’s boyfriend?
A: He’s the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

☻Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

☻Q: What’s the blonde’s idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.

☻Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of seamen.

☻Q: Why don’t blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.

☻Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

☻Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it’s back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!

☻Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

☻Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don’t, you see if you’ve got 4 condoms

☻Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

☻It’s important to realise that Blondes can’t go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they
gotta lay down…

☻. It’s even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw
anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you…

☻It’s worth remembering why blondes can’t count to 70 - it’s cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful…

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She’ll blow your mind, too.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody’s went to town in a limo!

☻Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

☻Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

☻Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they’ve ever met!

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

☻Q: What do blonde’s do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

☻Q: What do blonde’s do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

☻Q: What’s the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

☻Q: What nickname is most used by blonde’s in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

☻Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette …?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde’s been in your refridgerator?
A: There’s lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

☻Q: What’s a 68 to a blonde?
A: It’s where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

☻Q: What’s the white stuff you find in a blonde’s panties?
A: Clitty litter.

☻Q: Why is it that Blonde’s always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it’s cost they gotta pull their own pants down…

☻Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.

☻84. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

☻85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There’s a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses’ faces.

☻Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

☻Q: Why did the blonde give a b*** job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

☻Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

☻Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

☻Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.

☻92. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

☻Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde’s mouth?
A: Einstein’s d**k.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

☻Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: “Hey fellas, Look! There I am!”

☻Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.

☻99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.

☻Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: “EuroDisney Left” so she went home.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, ‘Hooked On Phonics’…

☻Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.

☻Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said “DON’T WALK”.

☻Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?

☻Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde’s eyes?
A: The back of her head.

☻Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17’s) rating? A: Went
home and got 16 friends.

☻Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

☻Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She’s got a checkbook.

☻Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There’s a stamp on it.

☻Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.

☻Q: Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em’ with hammers.

☻Q: What’s the difference between blondes and McDonald’s?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

☻Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

☻Q: What’s the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.

☻Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

☻Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.

☻Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

☻Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

☻Q: What’s the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

☻Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in
movie theater?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

☻Q: What’s a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

☻Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out.
☻Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

☻Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year’s hide and seek champion.

☻Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

☻Q: What does a postcard from a blonde’s vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say “Hello”

☻Q: Why are blonde’s immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats…

☻Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.

☻Q: Where do you look for blonde’s obituaries?
A: Under “Home Improvements.”

☻Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.

☻Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.

☻Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

☻Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You’d pull the pin and throw it back.

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell….she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Q: What’s the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

☻Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don’t lend the Merc out to your friend.

☻Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they’ll both end up in the gutter.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn’t want to waken the sleeping pills.

☻Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

☻Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

☻Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

☻Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

☻Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

☻Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well…Like, I dunno!

☻Q: What’s the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.

☻Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W’s.

☻Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

☻Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

☻Q: Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

☻Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.

☻Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

☻What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

☻Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!

☻Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.

☻Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she’s been laid all over the country.

☻Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!

☻What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.

☻What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

☻Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod…

☻What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie
theater?
They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

☻What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they’re fucked.

☻ How would a blond punctuate the following?: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry”
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

☻Why is the blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

☻A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks “Where did you
get that?”
The pig says, “I won her in a raffle!”

☻A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

☻What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

☻Why did the blonde keep failing her driver’s test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

☻What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

☻What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

☻Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don’t have to worry about blowing their brains out.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband’s car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

☻Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

☻Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

☻How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

☻Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She tripped on the cordless phone

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻Did you hear about the blonde

At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Leo

☻Did you hear about the blonde

If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻Did you hear about the blonde

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don’t mind their own business?

No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, “Tokyo Disneyland Left”, so
they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red?

Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it

☻Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw “911″ on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

☻Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

☻Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

☻How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?
“Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?”

☻Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

☻What is the blonde’s favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

☻What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ….?
A blond doing cartwheels.

☻What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

☻Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

☻Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

☻What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They’re both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

☻How do you know when a blond’s been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!

☻What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

☻What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

☻What’s the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

☻Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

☻What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.

☻What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
The Branch Manager.

☻What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proof-reading.

☻How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Why do blondes love lightning?
They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It’s with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains….yes, her husband
just died.
☻She was so blonde that…

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

☻On the bottom of the job application where it said ‘Sign Here’ she wrote ‘Aquarias’.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She told me to meet her on the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.

☻She tried to place a bag of M&M’s in alphabetical order.

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

☻She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

☻When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

☻She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - “concentrate”

☻She got stabbed in a Shoot out.

☻She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

☻She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.

☻When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: “LOOK, they’ve spelled MACY’s wrong!!!”

☻She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said “Concentrate”.

☻She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

☻If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you’d get change.

☻She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

☻She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.

☻It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻She asked for a Price-check at the ‘Everythings a Pound’ store.

☻They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.

☻She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

☻When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: “Grape or Cherry?”

☻She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.

☻She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

☻Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.

☻Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.

☻Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it’s place saying: “Thanks for the TV”

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I’ll tell you tomorrow.)

☻Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.

☻Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon
☻Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it spat- It sure aint u.u
ugly part!
☻Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a flat so how the damn do i
know.

☻Yo mama’s a stunt double for the Predator

☻Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.

☻Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi’s

☻Yo mama’s so fat, she ain’t on a diet, she’s on a Triet - She’s all like - “Whatever yo eating … I’ll try it!”
☻Yo Mother in law’s so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.
☻Yo mama’s so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs
☻Your moma’s so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
☻Yo mama’s so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out…
☻Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.

☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked
ma wallet…

☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world’s largest wilderbeast.
☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn’t use a condom.

☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they’d still be Brother and Sister

☻Yo mama’s so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips

☻I got on the train last night - they had a new sign up reading - “Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama”
☻Yo grannie’s so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has “Place Your Ad Here” printed.
☻Your mamma’s so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.
☻Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said ‘Press any key to continue’, she phoned support complaing she couldn’t find
the ‘any’ key…
☻Yo mama’s so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
☻You mama’s so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
☻Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers….

☻Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!
☻Yo Nana so ugly she didn’t get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.
☻I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.
☻Yo’ kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies…
☻Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.
☻Yo auntie Ethel’s so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.
☻Yo mama’s like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE
☻Yo brother’s mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!
☻Yo girlfriend’s hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin’s so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the
Niagra Falls…
☻Yo Mama’s so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.

☻Yo mama’s like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and “OH
MY GOD IT’S COMING TOWARDS US!!”
☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama’s so damn stupid on a job application it said “sex” and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.
☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says “ow man im so sore” Dario asks ”
whats wrong?” Paris replies ” man yo mama was rough last night” Rico adds ” she needs to loosen up”
☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they’re having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!
☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don’t say ‘Are we there yet’, they scream, ‘Is she Dead yet!’
☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn
☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!
☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her
pants
☻Yo mama so fat her logo is “we are family, burger king, mc donalds and
me…”
☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial
☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of
friends
☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died
☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.
☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.
☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday
☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.
☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine
☻This is a fact, yo mama’s breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don’t mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.
☻Yo Mama’s teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama’s breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!
☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.
☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!
☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip ‘n’ slide
☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell
is happing…oh shit its a real damn earthquake.
☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell
☻Yo Momma’s so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn’t date her.
☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded
☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.
☻Yo’ mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.
☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door
☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.
☻Yo mama’s so ugly, she made a blind man cry!
☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted
you!
☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!
☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.
☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless

☻Yo mama soooo poor she can’t even pay attention!

☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, “Hey Gollum, give us your autograph”

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, “Hey, the School Bus
is here!”

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean

☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she’d tell her momma to put mick
jagger on child support!

☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling
his baby.

☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!

☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell “taxi”

☻Yo mama’s so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!

☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!

☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

☻Yo Mama’s so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.

☻Yo mama’s so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I’d call her a hoe but hoes’ get paid.

☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.

☻Yo’ mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.

☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.

☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.

☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.

☻Yo’ Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

☻Yo’ Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Your mama’s so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.

☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled “I got the Power!”.

☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.

☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.

☻Yo’ Sista’s just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!

☻Yo Mamma’s so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!

☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!

☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says “hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi”

☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.

☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!

☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept

☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can’t count past 9…

☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.

☻Yo mama’s blind and is seeing another man.

☻Yo mama’s glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.

☻Yo mama’s so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I’m now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!

☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said ‘Sex?’ she marked “M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday
too..”

☻You’ big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).

☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: “Well, my first baby’s daddy was Jimmy…and I still see
Johnny on Fridays….”

☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

☻Yo Mother in law’s teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

☻Yo Momma’s like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.

☻Yo ex-girlfriend’s like Humpty Dumpty… first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

☻Yo mama’s like a race car driver…she burns a lot of rubbers…

☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of S